To Know or Not to Know....That is the Question!

Lately there has been a battle raging in the Gardner household between Sarah and I.  Ok maybe a little dramatic with that statement. We have gone back and forth the past couple of weeks trying to come to a decision or agreement. Each day one of swings back or forth on the issue hoping to find some common ground or a compromise.  What can't Sarah and I agree on is.....whether or not to find out the gender of the twins. 

When we first found out we were having twins, Sarah and I were both in a general agreement to find out the gender of the twins.  We felt with all of the craziness we would have going on in our lives trying to prepare for their arrival, it would be beneficial to know this ahead of time.  Recently however Sarah moved 180 degrees on me and has stated she does not want to find out the sex of the babies and instead wishes to wait until the birth.  While I was definitely shocked at this, I think the person most taken aback was Sarah's Aunt Kater.  When Sarah mentioned this to her, she was worried she wouldn't be able to buy the proper clothes for the twins!!  Let's just say Aunt Kater likes to shop!  It has brought up an interesting debate between Sarah and I about what we eventually decide.



There are pros and cons with both finding out or waiting until the birth.  I think from my side of the issue the pros were the ability to control at least something in this craziness of our new adventure.  In finding out the gender of the twins, we would be get a number of things in line for their arrival.  We would be able to prepare their nursery to each twin and have it ready for their arrival.  We would be able to speak with friends who may have clothes to match the genders of the twins to potentially save money.  We would have time to decipher the names of the twins especially if we ended up with two boys or two girls.  All of this could be done ahead of time, without everything else around us going at 100 mph.



Sarah has expressed the desire to keep things more private.  Where I tend to be more open with these things, she has a desire to keep them private between us.  Neither way is right or wrong, it is simply our own personalities we bring to the relationship.  The biggest con would be to lose the special surprise of the moment we find out what they are in the delivery room.  My worry here was to wonder if we would have that moment for just the two of us.  If we found out now, I know we would have that moment alone with the doctor and a chance to share the news as we liked.  If either of our mothers are in the delivery room, do we lose that special moment for just the two of us? 



Sarah and I continue to banter back and forth about this in a loving way, just thankful we have this opportunity.  However, it would be interesting to hear some of your thoughts.  Did you find out about the gender of the baby or not and why.  I would also be especially interested in those of you who had twins.  Otherwise we might end up with the compromise of finding out now only what one of the two of the babies are and that could get a little interesting!

Has It Hit You Yet? Part 1

I often get this question a lot from people wondering if it has set in that Sarah and I are having twins.  Each time I hear that question, I find myself asking it over and over again to myself.  The reality of things is no not really.  I mean I keep looking for the moment like Ross had with Marcel in "Friends" where Marcel grabs Ross's finger and he realizes he will be a good dad.

Well, I just haven't had that moment.  Despite all of the wonderful moments that have occurred so far, I still find myself waiting for that moment when it really sinks in that we are having twins.  I am sure at some point it will come to me and will hit me like a ton of bricks.  Honestly, I can't wait for that moment to happen.  There is so much excitement building inside of me about the arrival of our twins in May, that I long for this moment to occur.  There is no fear about twins or worry about being a good parent, it is simply wanting that aha moment.  Part of the reason is that is still very early in Sarah's pregnancy and she is just beginning to have baby bump show.  Other than that, our lives have continued like normal for the most part.  I know all of this will change soon and the realization of twin will hit me.  Until then, I continue to enjoy all the moments we share and the wonderful support we are shown each day.  Sarah recently told me in response to me sharing I haven't had that moment of realization with, "Just wait til Spring Break when we are mini van shopping and putting two car seats in the back!  Then it will hit you!"  I laughed and realized at some point it will hit me and I can't wait for that moment.  Part two to be continued....

Should I be Worried?

This past weekend was one of the most joyful days of my life as we were able to spread the word of our wonderful news.  Double Trouble.  It was a simply perfect weekend telling our friends how we were expecting twins in May and being able to share this wonderful moment with them.  It was one of the most special days of our lives. The next morning Sarah and I sat quietly together as we relived the night before and all of the wonderful moments and experiences from the evening.  It was during this time that I experienced a flashback to an similar moment from just a few months ago. 
 
It was only a short time ago that we sat there together in the living room at our old house trying to decide if we should put an offer out on a new house in Speedway.  We were both nervous on if this was the right decision considering we were not pregnant and our last IUI had failed. Ton of Bricks.  In the end, we made the leap of faith in what started a miraculous chain of events in our lives that has put us where we are today.  So in this moment, we found ourselves wondering if we should post our news about the twins out for the public to see.  The worry was.....what if something goes wrong?  We had been down that tough path before and gone through the pain of a miscarriage.  This experience unfortunately always haunts you through the pregnancy with every twist and turn after having such difficulty conceiving. What didn't help was the fact that Sarah had been to the doctor a couple of times in the last week with some issues.  Fortunately the last visit to the doctor found the twins dancing around on the ultrasound almost mocking us with "haha we got you!!!"  So there we sat wondering if we should make the news public with this fear still there in the back of our heads.  You see this is one of the lingering effects of infertility.  You do you best to stay as positive as possible, however in those moments of uncertainty or when issues arise you find yourself in an awareness of the past hopeful it does not return.

In the end we jumped with blind faith that everything will be ok and will work out for Baby A and Baby as they are now called, or Amy and Bob according to Sarah's dad.  We continue to hope and pray for their continued well being and hope that all will be well come May.  The excitement of each day and the changes with Sarah and the babies continue to help provide us with joy.  We enjoyed reading each Sunday about how big the babies are now and at the same time continue to plan for their arrival!!  Yes there is still a small part about me that worries, but in the end both Sarah and I continue to have faith above all else.

Double Trouble!

Well, it is official.......we recently received the amazing news that Sarah is pregnant and due in May!!  The even more amazing and somewhat scary part of the news is that we are expecting TWINS!!! 

Needless to say, Sarah and I are both very excited and feel very blessed!  When you look back at where we started with This is How You Have a Baby?, we feel very lucky to finally have this wonderful news.  There have been many ups and downs on this roller coaster and these babies have already put us through a few of them in the first couple of months.  Recently Sarah said that is because they are acting like their father and will continue to be a pain in the you know what!

We have been blessed by the many kind words of support from so many of you and we appreciate all the love you have shown.  We are by no means out of the woods yet and every little hiccup has us worried about what might happen.  Sarah and I continue to strive to stay positive and trust that things will work out.  All of the struggles truly show us what a miracle having a child is for so many people.

However, at the same time I write this exciting news with a touch of hesitation.  You see we still have friends and loved ones who have not received this blessing and continue to battle infertility.  Sarah and I have known that feeling to see friends posting about their wonderful news and the feelings it created for her and I.  We truly know that feeling of a Ton of Bricks coming down upon you.  For those of you reading this who have struggled with infertility like us or even those who have fought the battle much longer, we have you in our thoughts and prayers.

In the meantime, we are reading up on all the books about twins that we can and trying to wrap our heads around two babies at once!  We will definitely be in for some double trouble come this May!

Time Away

It has been quite a while since my last blog post, much longer than I intended it to be quite honestly.  However, life has a way of getting away from you.  August brought on the start of school here at BHS and the inclusion of my own classes I was taking at Ball State.  Finally on top of all of that, Sarah and I were in the process of trying to buy a house!! Why a Bigger House? Once again and not to the surprise of my wife, I had taken on too much in my life and something had to go to keep my sanity.  Unfortunately for me, it was taking the time to blog about how things were going for Sarah and I.  During this time, I missed sharing our story and living out the highs and lows of the struggles of fertility in our lives.  The good news is that we found our new home and moved in during the month of September!  We were excited to find a place in Speedway that we love and can stay close to where we were before.  I am excited to get back to blogging and sharing our experiences now that I hopefully have some more time ironed out in my schedule.  Thank you again to all who have shared words of encouragement and support of this blog and I look forward to the opportunity to contribute once again!

Five Steps to Dealing with Infertility

Recently I sat down at my computer and asked Google for sites that discussed “Dealing with Infertility.”  If my first two selections were any indication of the advice out there, I worry for those looking for help!  I do not claim to be an expert in the field of infertility, nor do I feel that my views are the only way to deal with the issues associated with infertility.  However after reading through a few articles online written by so called “experts” on the subject, I feel that none of them are written from the heart or the depths of a soul dealing with infertility.  So I sat down and wrote what I feel have been the top five steps that have helped Sarah and I along our journey with infertility.

1.      Communicate

Early in our journey I thought my job as the husband was to be the rock for the two of us.  What I learned quickly was that I was leaving Sarah more isolated than ever as she often felt she was the only one struggling through things.  My “being the rock” and lack of expressing my concerns actually hurt more than it helped.  Since that time I have learned to share my struggles with Sarah as she does with me.  We have learned to lean on each other making the tough days a little easier having each other there for one another.

2.      Get out of the house

Often times in the weeks leading up to the IUI process or especially in the two weeks after, you find your mind consumed with worry.  Worry about the unknown and what may happen often leads to sitting around feeling sorry for yourself of not living the life you should.  You must battle to get out of the house and continue to actively work to take your mind off of the questions that linger.  Go out and have fun and enjoy one another. One of the best two weeks Sarah and I went through were the days after an IUI that we traveled to Chicago.  We spent four days with friends enjoying the Windy City. During that trip our thoughts never once went to the worry of if the IUI was going to work that month or not.  Instead our minds and hearts were filled with the wonderful times of Chicago in the summer and it gave us a chance to refresh and renew our lives.  Five Things Worth Your Money in Chicago

3.      Pray

We feel fortunate for the number of you out there that have expressed your prayers for us in this process.  We continue to pray and to ask God for strength in our journey that he will one day reveal his plan for us.  At a recent Mass, the priest spoke about facing our fears in our lives.  He spoke of Peter walking on water to Jesus from the boat and how it was only when he allowed himself to take his mind off of Jesus and instead to his worry about the winds that he began to sink.  When we keep our mind and our faith on Jesus, we are able to live life without fear of the unknown.  It is only when we allow our mind to wonder from our faith that we allow our fears to instead run our lives.  Keep fast in prayer.

4.      Know that you are not alone

I know that for many people and for Sarah and me, early in the journey we felt like we were alone in our struggles and that many people out there did not know what we were going through each day.  As we have begun to share our journey and our struggles, we have had a constant flood of messages and expressions of support from those of you out there who have been through a similar journey.  There is not a week that has gone by in the past month that I have not had someone send a message of their story or stop me and offer their experience and let us know they are there if we ever need to talk.  If you are reading this blog, you hopefully know that you are not alone in your struggles.  I for one can speak to the loving community of support that is out there for those dealing with infertility.  This loving community has help provide Sarah and I with a wonderful support network during these trying times.

5.      Show and express your love for one another

The last tip that I can give is to show your love and support for your spouse during your journey.  We do not know what God’s plan is for us yet and whether or not that includes children of our own.  What I do know is that I have an amazing and wonderful wife that is there by my side throughout all of this.  These times can be trying and put stress on your marriage.  It is important to remember to continue to express your love for your spouse as these are the days and times you both need it the most.

 

Infertility if different for each couple and can have its own unique challenges and difficulties.  It is important not to forget steps like these to help you along your journey.  I feel that the past month has given me a new direction in life from God.  As I have written this blog, I have heard how many of you have been through or are going through a similar journey.  You have said how knowing someone else is growing through this has helped you start a new conversation with your spouse or look at things a little differently.  So for now I am continuing to take God’s challenge for me to be an advocate of those dealing with infertility.  What does that mean?  For now, I do not know God’s full plan.  What I do know is that I feel him pushing me to continue to tell of our struggles and joys for others to see and I ask you to help me spread this message.  Please help me spread the message by sharing my blog with others that you know.  God has a plan for Sarah and I and we are going to do our best to show our faith in his word.

My Amazing Mother!

Yesterday we spent the day with my mother celebrating her 75^th birthday which happens to be this coming Thursday.  We spent a wonderful day watching my niece and nephew play soccer before heading out for dinner together later that evening.  It was that night at dinner that we began asking my mother about her life growing up and some of the experiences she has had over the past 75 years.  During the dinner it amazed me at the differences our potential children would see in their lives versus the experiences that my mother had growing up in a small town in southeastern Indiana. 

My mother grew up just outside of Milan, Indiana on a small farm that my grandfather ran to help support the family.  Life back in these days was just different in many ways.  The family farm was not the family farm that I see when I visit Sarah’s family farm.  My mother’s was a 60 acre farm in which everything raised was for subsistence.  The crops they grew, the chickens they raised, and the pigs they took care of were all done to support the family.  My mother grew up helping on the farm with chores such as milking the cows, not making sure the computer was turned off before going to bed.  The most amazing fact for me last night was the revelation that my mother’s first house on the farm was a log house!  It had two main rooms downstairs, with two bedrooms upstairs all supported by a wood burning stove in the winter. In fact the first time that mother had indoor plumbing was when she went off to Ball State Teachers College.  The farm did not get indoor plumbing until she was a junior in college. 

Before heading off to college, my mother attended tiny Milan High School where she graduated Valedictorian of her Senior Class.  However, the major event in high school for my mother was during her freshman year at Milan in which the mighty Milan Indians won the 1954 Indiana State Basketball Championship.  Yes, this is the same famed team that inspired the movie “Hoosiers” in 1986 that we have all come to know.  My mother was a freshman at Milan that year and attended all of the basketball games including the State Championship game at then Butler Fieldhouse.  When the movie “Hoosiers” came out, I was able to hear the real life stories from a firsthand account. 

After her time at Milan, my mother went off to Ball State Teachers College where she worked to earn her teaching degree in Home Economics.  It was rare at that time for students from Milan to head off to college and my mother was the first in her family to go to college.  When we asked my mom last night about this, she said it was the basketball coach at Milan at the time that offered to take three students up for a visit.  It was then and there that my mom decided to head up to Muncie later that fall.

I could go on and on about my mother (yes I know I am biased) as she went on to take on many challenges after college, but that is for a later post.  Today has me reflecting on the experiences my mother had as a child and what life might be like for our children.  Today electronics and conveniences rule the day in our lives as we find ways to do things more efficiently and electronic devices to keep our attention.  As I walked through the house today and saw the three different televisions we had and I chuckle as my mother told the story of their first TV.  Her mother won the TV in a contest as they could not afford one themselves.  It was a small black and white TV that they set on the piano as they had no TV stand for it and all of the neighbors would come sit in the living room to watch TV together.  She laughed as she described the stiff necks people would get from sitting on the floor looking up at the TV!

 I want my children to know about these experiences that my mother went through and to help them appreciate the strong woman she is and has been in our lives.  My mother grew up in a different time where work around the house was required of everyone and playing games on iPhone was not around.  If nothing else, last night made me appreciate my mother even more listening to the way she grew up and the experiences she had in her life.  I feel so thankful to have her a part of our lives and can’t wait for her to be able to tell our children about working on the farm and growing up walking outside to use the restroom!

We were on a break!!!

For many of you like me, this classic line probably evokes memories or visions of Ross Gellar screaming “We Were on a Break!!!!”  The classic scene where Rachel and Ross split up due to Ross hooking up with the copy girl while he thought he and Rachel were on a break.  For Sarah and I, fortunately there is no copy girl and our break is one that is MUCH DIFFERENT from Ross and Rachel.  Many of you read last month in my blog about our attempt with and IUI, “This is how you have baby?” that described our attempt with the IUI process in an effort to have a baby.  After much thought and discussion, this month we decided to take a break in those efforts after the IUI did not work out again for us and we began to feel the effects of this long process and the toll they were taking on our lives.  The pain truly hit like a “Ton of Bricks” for the two of us and we needed some time to reflect on what we had been through and how we would move forward.

Shortly after the failed IUI attempt last month, Sarah and I decided to take a break from the process and to try and get away from it for a while.  We were completely drained emotionally and also somewhat physically from the past year of trying.  The doctor visits, the detailed monthly schedules, and failed results had eroded away at our strength to continue.  We had spent the past six months visiting doctors and discussing our issues, which was followed up with the past three months of a scheduled life of events.  The month would begin with Sarah on medication to help her ovulate, a trip to the doctor to check her follicles, and then followed by the IUI process.  The week surrounding the IUI process you are told when you should and when you should not be trying to make a baby to help promote the process.  While I am sure there will be many jokes about me complaining about this, try having a baby making schedule set by your doctor for six months and you will see the frustrations begin to build. 

We felt stuck in a rut and bound by limitations that were not making us feel at our best.  So we decided to step back this month, relax, and try to enjoy life and each other.  We wanted to be free of the schedule and the limitations we felt the fertility process was placing on our lives.  It has been a wonderful feeling for both of us.  We have gotten back to focusing on our diets and exercise.  We have spent more time relaxed together not worried about when our next appointment is or where we are in the process.  We have talked very little about our next move or the whole process until the past few days.  It has given us a bit of a vacation from what became a job for us over the past few months.  We still do not know our next step in our journey, only that we have set a doctor’s appointment in a couple of weeks to explore our options.  We know if the next IUI does not work our chances for an IUI ever working decrease dramatically.  For now though, that is not our worry.  We are sitting back relaxing and enjoying the days and times together and soaking as much in as we can.

This break has helped me realize the importance of vacations or breaks in our lives.  Everyone needs that time to step back and relax.  The time to reflect on the simple things in life that we enjoy and to refresh our bodies and minds.  Sarah and I have a vacation planned for this October when we are heading down to Fort Myers Beach.  You can bet that I will be stepping back and relaxing a bit more.


We will see where life takes us after this break and our visit with the doctor here in a couple weeks.  We have discussed doing one more IUI in September and if that does not work taking a longer break at that point.  If the IUI does not work, the next potential step could be IVF for Sarah and I.  There are many questions we have about that process both financially and internally if that is the next move for us.  The idea is the longer break would give us some time to save up for that option if we move down that path.  Our journey still continues and our path is still unknown so for now we are resting up and gathering our strength to move forward towards God's plan for our future.

Staying Positive

After a few weeks of writing this blog, each time I find myself battling how to convey a positive outlook in my writing.  It is inevitable that writing about infertility and its difficulties  reveals the tough moments in life that you would have never imagined.  Many times the thoughts lead to doubts or grief and the daily battle to overcome these emotions.  The pain is real and the negativity is there as Sarah and I work each day through our faith and our love for each other to rise above the hurt and disparaging thoughts that can consume you if you let them.


So how do we battle this on a daily basis?  How do we remain positive despite all the potential negativity that surrounds us?  We work at it together!  You see my worry (and I tend to over analyze things to much, just ask my wife) is that we come across as spiteful or negative about the issues we are going through when that is the opposite of the truth.  While we obviously have our struggles and tough moments, Sarah and I live each day as positively as we can and feel very blessed for what we have versus what we do not have in our lives.  Take for one our dog Smokey who blesses each of our days and help fill the void in our family.  He is has a personality all his own and has made it clear by the picture below his distaste for a potential new baby brother or sister!

What this blog is about for me is facing my fears head on and not hiding from them in the shadows. I have recently been reading a wonderful book by the witty author Jon Acuff titled Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average & Do Work That Matters.  In the book the author discusses the voices that you hear in the back of your head on the daily basis.  These voices are different than what many would describe as your "conscious."  Your conscious is the little devil or angel sitting on your shoulder telling you right from wrong.  The voices that Jon describes so eloquently are the ones that bring fear and doubt into your mind.  We all have them and hear them on a daily basis...."Am I good enough?", "Does my body look fit enough?", "Why would anyone read my blog?"  These voices put fear into our hearts and minds that prevent us from in the author's words living and "Awesome" life.  They prevent us from living life to the fullest or reaching our potential, not because we are not good enough but because the voice inside our head questions us from even trying or starting something great.  It was those voices that made me question why I would even start writing or blog or putting it out for others to read.  It was while I was reading this book that I decided to fight back at my voices and live my life without fear and publish my blog.  Three weeks into blogging, I have had over 5,000 visits to my site and an average viewing of each blog of over 600 people.  Wow!  I never would have dreamed that would be the case and absolutely would have never known had I listened to the voices of doubt in my head.


Thus that is the reason for this blog.  The blog is not for you, my family, or most days even my wife though it does benefit our relationship together.  This blog is for me to attack my fears and worries in life and to live an AWESOME life!  Jon Acuff in his book tells readers to write down the voices they hear each day of fear and doubt.  It is the first step in working to address you fears and that is what this blog has done for me.  It has allowed me to write down my fears and put them out there for others to see.  This blog holds me accountable for living through my fears and not behind them.  It has opened up many messages back and forth with old friends, helped build a support network for Sarah and I, and most importantly helped to strengthen the relationship between the two of us.  No one says you have to write your fears out in a blog for all to see, but today start writing down those voices of doubt in your head.  Do this everyday for a week and see what voices are holding you back.  It is the first step in attacking your fears and starting on a path to a more fulfilling and awesome life!


Everyday I wake up excited about what is in store and thankful for the many wonderful blessings that I have in my life.  Whatever God has planned for Sarah and I, I cannot wait to see and make it as AWESOME as I can!!

Why in the world are we buying a bigger home?

You may have seen lately that we are looking to sell our home here in Speedway.  We currently have an accepted offer on another home a few blocks away that allows us to stay in the Speedway community.  So why in the world would we be moving into a bigger home?  Why would we do this, especially when our family right now consists of Sarah and I and you have read of our struggles to become pregnant. 

Well, don’t think you are the only one who has asked that question.  It is a question that has been tossed back and forth in our house quite frequently since we began looking at the home we placed an offer on a week ago.  We have been looking at homes in the Speedway area for a little over a year now thinking that we needed to prepare to have a little larger home for what we hoped would be our growing family.  As we placed our offer on the current house, we were still in the waiting stages of last month’s IUI process.  Dancing in our heads were dreams of an accepted offer a new house to go with our exciting news of expecting.  We ended up one for two on the month with the house being our lone base hit.  Now depending on which day you talked with Sarah and I last week, that base hit ranged from a grand slam home run to a bloop single over a slow footed second basemen falling flat on his face.  In those days we would go from overly ecstatic about our new home to worried about our ability to fill all of the space.

The big question was why do we need such a big house if we don’t even have children yet and we are struggling so to get pregnant.  These emotions raged back and forth in our minds.  On the day that Sarah realized the IUI had not worked, we were battling back and forth on whether to continue with the process a half hour before our realtor was to arrive.  We obviously didn’t need the bigger house and we knew many other friends who were in tighter situations in their homes than we were currently.  Then the biggest question about the house came deep out of the fear that resided in both of us…”what if we are never able to get pregnant?”  We worried about being stuck in this larger home with no children and tons of space to remind us of that fact.  After many discussions back and forth, we decided to stay the course and place the offer on the house and put ours of for sale.  What in the end put us on this course?

1.      Large homes in Speedway are hard to find in good condition.  Especially ones who will allow you to place a contingency on selling your house in the offer.

2.      This home has many of the items on our wish list including things we don’t have currently like an attached garage and a large open kitchen and floor plan.

3.      We felt in the end if five years from now we wanted to sell the home, we would be able to do so fairly easily. 

4.      The home we are purchasing fits within Dave Ramsey’s rules of 20% down and no more than 25% of our take home pay on a 15 year mortgage.

5.      Finally, our undying faith that God’s plan is for us to have children and in buying this house we are simply preparing for those faithful days ahead.

I always knew that attempting to buy a new home would be a stressful process.  It is for many people and for many reasons.  However, I did not anticipate our fertility issues causing the worry that it has and the doubts that caused us to pause over our decision.  To say the process went as simply as it seems written would be a lie.  The worry and consternation that Sarah and I have had during these two weeks has been an up and down ride.  In the end we feel confident in our decision, faithful in God’s plan, and now hopeful that our house will sell to complete the process.  Now we wait for what is hopefully that fateful day when we are able to move into our new home and begin filling it with a family of our own!

Ton of Bricks

The message hit me like a ton of bricks.  As I read it over and over again, my stomach continued to tighten and my heart sink.  I knew our day to take the pregnancy test was on Wednesday, but this was Monday and the message from my wife read, “I just started spotting and think I’m going to lose it.”  I knew exactly was “it” was, it was the dream of the child that wasn’t meant to be in our lives.  This was something that we never held, touched, or even came close to being a part of our family and yet here was the flood of grief coming over me.  Then in that difficult moment, was what in the world do I say back to my wife?  I tried to be funny and positive, saying that the spotting was being caused by our son being a little SOB and burrowing in for the long haul.  She chuckled that I said it was a son, truth is I couldn’t call a potential daughter a SOB….that would have just been plain wrong!  After a few messages back and forth about what was happening, the words that truly hit me like freight train was the next message from my wife, “I want to hide in a dark room and cry.”  It was at that moment that the feeling of complete helplessness came over me as I sat there quietly.  It didn’t matter that my wife was at work, even if she was next to me I am not sure I would know what to say.  I didn’t know how to help her or make the pain go away.

That has probably been the most difficult part of the past couple of years, those moments when I feel completely helpless in solving the problems my wife is having.  You must understand, that is me, I am a problem solver.  It is what I do every day at work and pride myself in being able to accomplish, and yet here I was unable able to do anything that would help ease the pain for my wife.

Pain, Frustration, Hurt, Anger, Sadness, Helplessness, Disgrace

These are just some of the words to describe the feelings that came over me during those first few hours after that initial message.  I found myself unable to do much of anything at that point except sit there and wonder what had gone wrong and what was not working for Sarah and me.  Shortly thereafter, Sarah made it home from work and the eerie silence between us and the tension that was hanging over us like a dark cloud.  What do you say in these moments? How do you start to talk about the one thing you don’t even want to remember?  The thing that you want to block out of your mind like a bad dream! We slowly and gingerly worked our way into talking to each other, though neither one of us was mad at each other you just don’t know what to say.  After some tears and difficult words, we began the process of grieving together about our lost opportunity.  I wish I could put into words the thoughts and feelings that I was having at that time, but when it comes to matters of the heart this deep there are no words that can come close to describing what you are feeling.  There is no metaphor, no story, and no examples of the way you feel when you miss out on the loss of having a child.  People understand grieving with death, understand grieving with a miscarriage, but most do not understand the pain people go through in the shadows of infertility.  It is hidden in the shadows because it is tough to talk to people about something that never was.  They can’t connect with the process you went through just to get to that moment when you find out if you get the opportunity to be a parent or you don’t.  I wish I had a way to help make this easier for anyone going through it or even someone trying to understand it from the outside. Unfortunately I don’t.  I hope that through this blog and writing about our struggles it will help others out there understand the shadows of infertility.  The moments in private that most sane people can’t or won’t put other there for others.

So what now?  Where do we go from here?  Well, last night we started trying to move forward in our journey.  We sat on our couch and had a couple of drinks while watching our new favorite show on Netflix “House of Cards.”  Each day will get better and we will remain resilient in our quest to have a child of our own.  As far as our next step at the doctor, that remains to be seen.  We have contemplated taking a month off.  A month away from the rigid and forced schedule of trying to conceive and allow ourselves to regroup and refresh.  Regardless, we remain steadfast and strong in our lives and most importantly our relationship with one another.  In the end through all the ups and downs and difficulties of this journey, what Sarah and I always cling to as our rock in the storm is one another.  The love we have for each other is what saves us and what helps us grow closer together. 

At the end of the night on Monday when going to bed, I fell fast asleep and slept wonderfully.  Why? How? Simple, I was lying there next to my best friend and love of my life.  With her, I can make it through anything and I am pretty sure she feels the same about me.

 

Prayers and Privacy

 

A couple of weeks ago, I gathered up the courage to write a blog about the fertility issues Sarah and I have had over the last year and a half.  The post about Sarah and I going through the IUI process was on my mind and emotionally something I was working through at the time.  Little did I realize in the moment was that in two weeks we would know whether Sarah and I were pregnant.  What I REALLY didn’t think of was that by posting my blog, now EVERYONE would know in two weeks if Sarah was expecting.  Luckily my wife loves me very much!!!

Sarah and I have spent some time this past week reflecting on many things and one of them was whether or not to post what we find out on Wednesday.  At this time we are asking for your prayers and our privacy as we will not post about the results this week.  Either way, there will be a flood of emotion in our home that day and those emotions are something we need to share privately for a while.

We appreciate all of the support that everyone has shown over the past couple of weeks.  I will continue to write about our journey and some of the things we have faced the last 18 months, and then hopefully in a few weeks we will be sharing some of the best news of all.

Thank you to everyone!

Two Weeks Notice

On Monday of this week, I woke up feeling tired and bloated and I began to wonder if maybe this was the month.....and then Sarah reminded me that we had been in Chicago all weekend and all of the eating and running around was why I was feeling tired and bloated.  I relaxed a little bit and went about my week and getting back into routine of the school year starting for me.  Then Wednesday morning I woke up and my chest was really sore and I just knew it looked bigger from the day before.  I went to Sarah with my concerns starting to believe that now I had another sign that this could be it.......and then Sarah reminded me that yesterday I had done some bench presses and worked out a little too much and that is why my chest was sore and bigger.  I sighed and walked away dejected that my theory had some holes in it and tried to move on.  Finally on Friday afternoon I greeted Sarah at the door as she walked in from work with foolproof evidence that this was finally the month!  The last two days I had craved chocolate, Diet Coke, and that I was always hungry and snacking.  Sarah shook her head and did her best to let me down easy as she reminded me I had been at my Leadership Retreat with other administrators and the place we stayed had an open snack bar for everyone.  She convinced me not to take a pregnancy test and that all was fine and we should simply wait until the doctor told us to take a pregnancy test.  I realized she was probably right and agreed with her, but still made sure to sneak away and hide some pregnancy tests for later when she wouldn't know.

Some of you may or not get the paragraph above if you have never lived through it.  I know I didn't understand it when it first started happening and even today I am not sure I am fully aware of the Two Weeks of Notice. Every month you live through these Two Weeks of Notice where the potential to get pregnant ebbs and flows.  What I have found as I study for my Masters in Fertility I guess is that there is a very specific timeframe to conceive a baby and to find out if you have conceived.  Within these two weeks are days packed with raw emotion and constant overthinking of every feeling or intuition.  Over the last year and a half, there have been many weeks like above for Sarah and I (though the roles are reversed and not as dramatic as I make them seem.)  Each month has had its own different flavor for each of us and the way we interpret and try to rationalize our feelings and expectations.  It is hard to manage these expectations that you carry with you about getting pregnant, applying for a new job, or trying to buy a new house.  Then there are those fun months when all of those are wrapped together into one!  Here is what I have learned about expectations over this last year and a half:

1. They are very real and sometimes very raw
2. They can play tricks on your mind if you are not careful
3. They can eat away at you if you do not communicate about them

We have gone into months with high expectations only to come crashing down, we have gone into months with low expectations only to be proven right.  We have tried to approach each month in just about every which shape or form in a fight to keep our sanity along the way.  The toughest part for me during this time is that the parody above is something my wife lives with each month and actually FEELS with her body.  I can only bring my hopes and expectations, she is the one who not only has those but also can tell when her body is feeling different.  At first, I didn't do so well with being a supportive spouse even though I thought I was.  I took the manly route of being strong and being the shoulder to lean on for Sarah.  However, what I didn't realize was that Sarah felt alone when I did that and needed me to be there with her in those very raw and difficult emotions.  Guys in general are not good at sharing their feelings or dealing with emotions in general.  What I thought I was doing right was being the guy that she lean on and to be her rock.  What I didn't know was that she needed to know that she wasn't crazy in feeling the waves of emotions that would come and go each month.  Sarah needed to know that I was struggling too and the most difficult part for me was being ok with not being able to have all the answers or solve all the problems.  During this time, we have also learned to communicate better about our feelings and struggles during these awkward weeks that you wait to take that exciting but frightful test.  When you deal with such deep, raw emotions such as these, it can be a bumpy ride at times.  Your mind has you analyzing every moment and situation and at the same time you are trying to live a normal everyday life.  These Two Weeks of Notice have forced Sarah and I to learn how to communicate better and help be the buoy in these raging waters that the other can hang on to during those difficult moments.

So you may ask, how are we approaching this week and our expectations?  Well I think what we have found is that we while we try not to get too excited about whether or not this is the month, we are hopeful and optimistic that this is the time.  We continue to rely on our faith that in the end this will work out for the best and our prayers will be answered.

As for those inevitable expectations that can play tricks on your mind,....I would rather be excited and hopeful than having low expectations or thinking this is not our time.  We are in round 15 of this heavyweight fight and we have been knocked down a few times, but we are hanging on the ropes and battling hoping that we have our "Rocky" moment and come out victorious.  I might even have to scream out Adrian!!!!!!!

5 Things Worth Your Money in Chicago!

Everyone has their lists on what are the best attractions and best places to visit or see in a city.  This past weekend Sarah and I spent four days touring one of our favorite cities by traveling up to Chicago to explore the Windy City.  Chicago can often be an expensive city and some of the experiences or attractions may not be worth their cost. Below you find our top five places that we thought gave us the most bang for our buck and were well worth the money spent in Chicago.

1. DIVVY Bikes ($7 a person for 24 hours)
Sarah and I were roaming around the city and discussed renting bikes for the day.  Not wanting to spend the $45 a person for four hours, we decided to give the local DIVVY Bikes a try.  These bikes are rented out for short trips around the city.  The bikes cost $7 for a 24 hour period and there are docking stations for the bikes all around the city.  The only catch to the bike is that you can only have them out for 30 minutes at a time before being charged and additional $2 per hour.  The bikes are great for hopping around the city to see the sights.  We started with our bikes down around Buckingham Fountain and rode them up to a docking station by the Navy Pier.  We continued this pattern throughout the day biking to different sites, including our hotel, to see the city and get around without spending money on a cab.  I would recommend these bikes to anyone who wants to see as much of the city as they can in an short time without having to pay for a taxi.  These bikes were definitely work the $14 it cost for the two of us that day!

2. Wishbone Restaurant 1001 W. Washington Blvd. ($15-$17 a person with tip)
This is an absolutely amazing spot for brunch with friends!  While in Chicago, our friend recommended Wishbone as a great place for a Saturday morning brunch.  We were not disappointed!! First of all, the setting was perfect.  We sat outside watching people walk by with their dogs and restaurant goers enter and leave as we enjoyed great service and great food.  The portions were HUGE!!  This was our first meal of the day and our bellies were filled to capacity that we did not eat again until late that evening around 7pm.  Sarah and I both chose the omelets that our waiter raved about while his bodacious smile and TV like personality....I had the Savannah Shrimp Omelet with ham and Sarah enjoyed the Spinach Omelet.  The omelets came with a huge serving of home fries and toast.  I know everyone has their favorite breakfast spot when it comes to the city, but I guarantee that it is worth the time to head to the Near West Side of the city to visit Wishbone. 

 

3. Chicago Architecture Tour ($30 for Adults, $15 for Kids)
One of the great ways to see the city is riding along the Chicago River in a boat on the architecture tour.  We took this tour last summer while visiting the city and were blown away at the beauty and history of the buildings in Chicago.  The guides are very knowledgeable about the various buildings and give you a unique perspective of a different angle you often do not see.  While in Chicago this weekend, we saw boats full of people taking the tour on a wonderful sunny afternoon.  As we simply walked the city this year, we still found ourselves reflecting on the various buildings we saw on the tour last year and the unique facts we had learned about the buildings on the tour .  For example, we learned the Hard Rock Hotel building we stayed in was designed like a champagne bottle at the top with a gold pillar reaching to the sky.  The 75 minute tour of the city is definitely worth your time and money as a fun way to see the amazing architectural features that Chicago has to offer.

4. Millennium Park ($ Free!!)
Many people know Millennium Park for the Bean shown above and Buckingham Fountain.  A stay is Chicago is not complete without taking some time to stroll through Millennium Park and all that it has to offer for both kids and adults.  For the younger ones, there is the Bean where you can see your reflections in 100 different ways, there are the water pillars which is a virtual water park in the city where kids can play and cool off on a hot day, and there are open fields to play and run freely.  For the adults, the Bean is always a cool place for us to visit and along with the sights of the skyline and Lake Michigan, there are many vibrant outdoor restaurants to stop by and quench your thirst.  This weekend was the Taste of Chicago, which was a free event with concerts and events all weekend long.  Throughout Millennium Park and the Taste were local vendors in which you could purchase tickets to dive into all of the wonderful samples Chicago has to offer.  There are events like these always happening in the park which makes it a must see while in the city.

 

 

5. A View of the City ($$$ Priceless)

When you think of seeing a view of the city, most people often think of the John Hancock Building or the Willis Tower.  While these are great for many, I think they are often overrated and overpriced places that do not give you the bang for your buck that many other sites in the city can for a unique perspective and view.  Over the past few summers, Sarah and I have been finding great places to see the city from and they have often not cost us a dime.  One of our first trips, we took the elevator ride up to  the Signature Room at the Hancock building.  Being young and in love at the time, we thought was the romantic thing to do.....$25 and two drinks later we were stuck in the middle of the room with no view of the city.  However we have found our more special moments have been at places like the Lincoln Park Zoo standing on the bridge looking back at the city, or even simply standing at the end of the Navy Pier looking back at the view.  This year we were fortunate to stay with a friend whose building had a deck at the 29th floor looking out over Millennium Park and Lake Michigan (and for those of you in your 30s and remember "Adventures in Babysitting," a great view of the Crain Communications Building or Diamond Building.)  The picture above does not do the view justice, but it was an amazing way to see the city.  So I challenge you to look for a different way to see the city and the skyline without busting your budget to pay to ride up one of the commercial buildings in the city.

 

I know there are many other great places that are worth your money in Chicago and I would love to hear about them. Post a comment below with a place you think is worth your time and money in the City.  I can't wait to find some new spots to visit in the future!!



This is how you have a baby???

Sarah and I have been trying to add an addition to the family for the past year and a half.  While I secretly hope for a lefty who can throw in the low 90s, Sarah is the sane one of us hoping for a healthy baby.  Today for the second time in two months, we are going through the IUI process in order to be able to conceive.  For those of you don't know, the best way I can relate it in a sports term is the doctor setting a great screen for an open 15 foot jump shot.  The doctor simply clears away the obstacles of conception and gives you the best chance for conceiving.  Now what I can tell you is that we still have a way better shot of me hitting that 15 footer than having a baby and I am an average shooter at best!  To explain the actual process without too much detail, Sarah went in for an ultrasound yesterday in which they found a follicle that contained an egg (I think....sometimes I get confused in this whole process) and thus they gave her a shot to force the body to ovulate.  We then follow the doctor's orders by today having me go in to give my "specimen" and then an hour later Sarah will have a procedure to implement my "specimen" to give us the best chance at pregnancy.  This whole procedure is not cheap and at best gives us a 20% chance of becoming pregnant.  After today we begin the whole waiting process in which two weeks from now if she can wait that long Sarah will take a pregnancy test.  Last month we went through this entire process only to get a negative test and find out the IUI did not work.  The doctor told us ahead of time it may take a few times to make this happen, but we were obviously very disappointed to put it lightly.  It is a rollercoaster of emotions and today we are back on the way up with optimism that this month the IUI will work.

Sometimes I ask myself why do all of this......is this God's plan for us or are we meant for something else.  It is about the time I ask myself  that I see Sarah holding one of our friend's babies and realize what an amazing mother she would be and how we must just keep our faith in this process.  Until that day comes, we will keep believing and praying and enjoying the blessing that is each other.

So today for us, please say a prayer and think happy, strong swimmers!!

Working out.....it will cost you!

Recently my wife Sarah and I began looking at our budget and trying to find ways to cut costs and pay off our debt.  We have struggled recently to pull more out of our budget without taking away from the hobbies that we enjoy.  Dinners out and spending money on "extras" have all been eroded away as we continue to review our monthly budget.  Then one day came the realization that we were paying $185 a month to workout!!  Now you might ask how we ever got to be paying that much for gym memberships.....well let me tell you.  Last November, I began going to a local Crossfit gym and immediately fell in love with the people and the challenges of the workouts.  At this point and time, Sarah and I were already members at Anytime Fitness in Speedway and between the two of us that cost about $45 a month.  When I first added Crossfit, that became an additional $100 a month to our workout total.  Finally as time progressed, I wanted to move to the more difficult and more frequent workouts at Crossfit bringing my total there to $145 and our overall bill to $185 a month.  Now some of you may be saying how in the world can you spend that much on WORKING OUT????  Well first of all, Sarah and I are big fitness people and Sarah herself is a personal trainer.  When I moved to Crossfit, I didn't cancel the Anytime Fitness as that allowed me to workout with Sarah from time to time and in our minds was only $25 a month. 

Then one day it hit Sarah and I like a two by four across the head on how much we were spending on working out each month in an effort to be healthy.  We started doing the math that if we saved that money instead of paying others to let us workout, over the next 20 years we could save over $100,000!!!!  Holy Crap was our first thought!!!  Since this day we have spent roughly $800 to build our own gym in our garage being able to do the many things I could at Crossfit.  We have canceled our memberships at both places and have vowed to find other ways to stay fit.  We even sold an extra computer and some of my textbooks for classes to pay for the gym.  Now we begin the process of building our savings and not paying to workout!

So I challenge you to think about what you spend each month at the gym.  How much could you save over the next 20 years?  Find ways to workout around the house or buy some simple equipment for your garage.  Many sites post their workouts and can be done with minimal equipment.  Fitness is not showing up and running on the treadmill! Think outside the box and think with your wallet as well!

Happy Savings!