Things in Life that Don't Really Matter

This week I was in charge of the opening reflective question for our leadership group at work.  I spent the weekend in search of something meaningful and more in-depth than a simple, "What was the most exciting part of your weekend?"  Yeah....I am not sure I will be allowed to ask the opening question on a Monday morning again!!  In my search, I came across an article by All Pro Dad entitled, "10 Things in Life That Don't Really Matter."  The author talked about different things in life that we often give undue importance to in our lives that when we step back and reflect on them, don't really matter in the grand scheme of things.  This sent my mind into reflective mode of what have I given credence to in my life that needed to go down a few rungs in the ladder of importance.

For those of you that don't know me well, I am a bit of a planner.....I can already hear my wife chuckling.  Yes I am that person who lays out their clothes a week in advance of a trip to make sure we don't forget anything.  My wife on the other hand, packs 30 minutes before we leave!!!  Talk about two different perspectives!! Haha!  Sarah always challenges that I can't relax or sit still and simply enjoy things because I am always trying to get ahead of the game and get things done.  My weekends were spent worrying about the laundry or getting the yard mowed just to make sure they were done and check them off the list.  My weekends were driven on what we needed to get done and then and only then could I begin to enjoy each day. However, with the help of my wife that has begun to change with the arrival of my two beautiful daughters.

 

 



I truly believe that values are not truly values until they have been tested.  Myself personally always prided my life on being family first and being there for my girls.  That was tested when it came time on weekends to complete the tasks of the day and get things prepared as my mind had been conditioned to do for so long, or truly spend the time with my girls.  Now I find myself not worrying so much about the yard or the laundry as Sarah and I divide and conquer the tasks together.  We also focus on completing these things as much as we can when the girls are napping.  We try more and more to worry about the precious time we have with the girls more so than how the house looks or what we have ready to go for the week.  It has given us many more experiences such as walks like these:

This has been no small step for me personally as a person who drives to themselves accomplish things to step back and truly relax.  I can't thank my wife enough for being patient with me and encouraging me along the way.  Weekends are much more enjoyable and our times together much more special.  So if you drive by the house and the yard is a little long or the leaves aren't picked up this fall, it is because I am spending as much time with my girls as I can even if it means things aren't as complete as they have been in the past.

I continue to challenge myself to reflect on what truly matters and what does not in my life.  My legacy in life won't be what I have accomplished or how much I have made, it will hopefully be the relationships I have built with my daughters and my wife with an abundance of memories to show for it.  So today reflect on what matters and more importantly what doesn't matter in your life and how you can shed that from your day and create a more meaningful life with your family.

As The World Turns-Just so Happens It is Really Fast

1000 Miles Per Hour-That is how fast the world actually spins on its axis.  It was also the title of my mother's favorite soap opera show when I was a child.  Finally, it is also about how fast I feel these past few months have gone since my last post.  I hate that it has been that long as I really enjoy writing this blog for as much as I hope it helps others out there, it has been very beneficial for both myself and my family.

What Have We Been Up To Lately?
Well since my last post we welcomed two beautiful girls into our lives on April 24th.  Liliana Margaret and Madelyn Rose were brought into this world by their beautiful mother about 15 minutes apart.  They have been a complete blessing to our lives and we constantly amazed at how lucky we are to have these little blessings.  Thus these girls are also the reason I have not been able to write as much as I would have love to recently.  I would love to attempt to write about their daily lives and progress, but you would be much better reading Sarah's blog about our girls to find out about that.  You can find her blog at http://sarahhession6.blogspot.com/ for all the latest updates on our girls.  Let's just say from my standpoint we have been really busy!! My hope is to have new blogs in the near future reflecting on the first few months of our lives with the girls from a dad's point of view and their are too many experiences to sum up in this one blog.

New Career Opportunity
Shortly between bringing Maddie (Madelyn) home from the NICU and traveling back and forth to see Lily (Liliana), I received a call from my superintendent asking to meet with me one day while I was home with the girls.  I was caught a little off guard by the request and I think Sarah's comment was, "You aren't going to get fired are you?"  Well no I didn't get fired, in fact I was offered a new exciting opportunity to become the next Director of Finance of the school corporation.  This was a position I had always dreamed of moving into one day, I just never thought it would happen this soon.  After some discussion between Sarah and I over the new expectations and job requirements, I accepted the position and moved into the role on July 1st.  It has been a crazy transition, but one that I have enjoyed and look forward to continuing.

What's Next?
My hope is to pick back up with my writing and sharing of being a dad of multiples and the challenges that it brings.  We knew we would go through some stressful times, but to be honest in many ways what we thought would be our biggest challenges have not been as much and others have been much more challenging than we ever could have thought.  However, it is through these ups and downs that I hope to share what we have learned and continue to learn as we walk through this path of life.

We were on a break!!!

For many of you like me, this classic line probably evokes memories or visions of Ross Gellar screaming “We Were on a Break!!!!”  The classic scene where Rachel and Ross split up due to Ross hooking up with the copy girl while he thought he and Rachel were on a break.  For Sarah and I, fortunately there is no copy girl and our break is one that is MUCH DIFFERENT from Ross and Rachel.  Many of you read last month in my blog about our attempt with and IUI, “This is how you have baby?” that described our attempt with the IUI process in an effort to have a baby.  After much thought and discussion, this month we decided to take a break in those efforts after the IUI did not work out again for us and we began to feel the effects of this long process and the toll they were taking on our lives.  The pain truly hit like a “Ton of Bricks” for the two of us and we needed some time to reflect on what we had been through and how we would move forward.

Shortly after the failed IUI attempt last month, Sarah and I decided to take a break from the process and to try and get away from it for a while.  We were completely drained emotionally and also somewhat physically from the past year of trying.  The doctor visits, the detailed monthly schedules, and failed results had eroded away at our strength to continue.  We had spent the past six months visiting doctors and discussing our issues, which was followed up with the past three months of a scheduled life of events.  The month would begin with Sarah on medication to help her ovulate, a trip to the doctor to check her follicles, and then followed by the IUI process.  The week surrounding the IUI process you are told when you should and when you should not be trying to make a baby to help promote the process.  While I am sure there will be many jokes about me complaining about this, try having a baby making schedule set by your doctor for six months and you will see the frustrations begin to build. 

We felt stuck in a rut and bound by limitations that were not making us feel at our best.  So we decided to step back this month, relax, and try to enjoy life and each other.  We wanted to be free of the schedule and the limitations we felt the fertility process was placing on our lives.  It has been a wonderful feeling for both of us.  We have gotten back to focusing on our diets and exercise.  We have spent more time relaxed together not worried about when our next appointment is or where we are in the process.  We have talked very little about our next move or the whole process until the past few days.  It has given us a bit of a vacation from what became a job for us over the past few months.  We still do not know our next step in our journey, only that we have set a doctor’s appointment in a couple of weeks to explore our options.  We know if the next IUI does not work our chances for an IUI ever working decrease dramatically.  For now though, that is not our worry.  We are sitting back relaxing and enjoying the days and times together and soaking as much in as we can.

This break has helped me realize the importance of vacations or breaks in our lives.  Everyone needs that time to step back and relax.  The time to reflect on the simple things in life that we enjoy and to refresh our bodies and minds.  Sarah and I have a vacation planned for this October when we are heading down to Fort Myers Beach.  You can bet that I will be stepping back and relaxing a bit more.


We will see where life takes us after this break and our visit with the doctor here in a couple weeks.  We have discussed doing one more IUI in September and if that does not work taking a longer break at that point.  If the IUI does not work, the next potential step could be IVF for Sarah and I.  There are many questions we have about that process both financially and internally if that is the next move for us.  The idea is the longer break would give us some time to save up for that option if we move down that path.  Our journey still continues and our path is still unknown so for now we are resting up and gathering our strength to move forward towards God's plan for our future.

Ton of Bricks

The message hit me like a ton of bricks.  As I read it over and over again, my stomach continued to tighten and my heart sink.  I knew our day to take the pregnancy test was on Wednesday, but this was Monday and the message from my wife read, “I just started spotting and think I’m going to lose it.”  I knew exactly was “it” was, it was the dream of the child that wasn’t meant to be in our lives.  This was something that we never held, touched, or even came close to being a part of our family and yet here was the flood of grief coming over me.  Then in that difficult moment, was what in the world do I say back to my wife?  I tried to be funny and positive, saying that the spotting was being caused by our son being a little SOB and burrowing in for the long haul.  She chuckled that I said it was a son, truth is I couldn’t call a potential daughter a SOB….that would have just been plain wrong!  After a few messages back and forth about what was happening, the words that truly hit me like freight train was the next message from my wife, “I want to hide in a dark room and cry.”  It was at that moment that the feeling of complete helplessness came over me as I sat there quietly.  It didn’t matter that my wife was at work, even if she was next to me I am not sure I would know what to say.  I didn’t know how to help her or make the pain go away.

That has probably been the most difficult part of the past couple of years, those moments when I feel completely helpless in solving the problems my wife is having.  You must understand, that is me, I am a problem solver.  It is what I do every day at work and pride myself in being able to accomplish, and yet here I was unable able to do anything that would help ease the pain for my wife.

Pain, Frustration, Hurt, Anger, Sadness, Helplessness, Disgrace

These are just some of the words to describe the feelings that came over me during those first few hours after that initial message.  I found myself unable to do much of anything at that point except sit there and wonder what had gone wrong and what was not working for Sarah and me.  Shortly thereafter, Sarah made it home from work and the eerie silence between us and the tension that was hanging over us like a dark cloud.  What do you say in these moments? How do you start to talk about the one thing you don’t even want to remember?  The thing that you want to block out of your mind like a bad dream! We slowly and gingerly worked our way into talking to each other, though neither one of us was mad at each other you just don’t know what to say.  After some tears and difficult words, we began the process of grieving together about our lost opportunity.  I wish I could put into words the thoughts and feelings that I was having at that time, but when it comes to matters of the heart this deep there are no words that can come close to describing what you are feeling.  There is no metaphor, no story, and no examples of the way you feel when you miss out on the loss of having a child.  People understand grieving with death, understand grieving with a miscarriage, but most do not understand the pain people go through in the shadows of infertility.  It is hidden in the shadows because it is tough to talk to people about something that never was.  They can’t connect with the process you went through just to get to that moment when you find out if you get the opportunity to be a parent or you don’t.  I wish I had a way to help make this easier for anyone going through it or even someone trying to understand it from the outside. Unfortunately I don’t.  I hope that through this blog and writing about our struggles it will help others out there understand the shadows of infertility.  The moments in private that most sane people can’t or won’t put other there for others.

So what now?  Where do we go from here?  Well, last night we started trying to move forward in our journey.  We sat on our couch and had a couple of drinks while watching our new favorite show on Netflix “House of Cards.”  Each day will get better and we will remain resilient in our quest to have a child of our own.  As far as our next step at the doctor, that remains to be seen.  We have contemplated taking a month off.  A month away from the rigid and forced schedule of trying to conceive and allow ourselves to regroup and refresh.  Regardless, we remain steadfast and strong in our lives and most importantly our relationship with one another.  In the end through all the ups and downs and difficulties of this journey, what Sarah and I always cling to as our rock in the storm is one another.  The love we have for each other is what saves us and what helps us grow closer together. 

At the end of the night on Monday when going to bed, I fell fast asleep and slept wonderfully.  Why? How? Simple, I was lying there next to my best friend and love of my life.  With her, I can make it through anything and I am pretty sure she feels the same about me.