Things in Life that Don't Really Matter

This week I was in charge of the opening reflective question for our leadership group at work.  I spent the weekend in search of something meaningful and more in-depth than a simple, "What was the most exciting part of your weekend?"  Yeah....I am not sure I will be allowed to ask the opening question on a Monday morning again!!  In my search, I came across an article by All Pro Dad entitled, "10 Things in Life That Don't Really Matter."  The author talked about different things in life that we often give undue importance to in our lives that when we step back and reflect on them, don't really matter in the grand scheme of things.  This sent my mind into reflective mode of what have I given credence to in my life that needed to go down a few rungs in the ladder of importance.

For those of you that don't know me well, I am a bit of a planner.....I can already hear my wife chuckling.  Yes I am that person who lays out their clothes a week in advance of a trip to make sure we don't forget anything.  My wife on the other hand, packs 30 minutes before we leave!!!  Talk about two different perspectives!! Haha!  Sarah always challenges that I can't relax or sit still and simply enjoy things because I am always trying to get ahead of the game and get things done.  My weekends were spent worrying about the laundry or getting the yard mowed just to make sure they were done and check them off the list.  My weekends were driven on what we needed to get done and then and only then could I begin to enjoy each day. However, with the help of my wife that has begun to change with the arrival of my two beautiful daughters.

 

 



I truly believe that values are not truly values until they have been tested.  Myself personally always prided my life on being family first and being there for my girls.  That was tested when it came time on weekends to complete the tasks of the day and get things prepared as my mind had been conditioned to do for so long, or truly spend the time with my girls.  Now I find myself not worrying so much about the yard or the laundry as Sarah and I divide and conquer the tasks together.  We also focus on completing these things as much as we can when the girls are napping.  We try more and more to worry about the precious time we have with the girls more so than how the house looks or what we have ready to go for the week.  It has given us many more experiences such as walks like these:

This has been no small step for me personally as a person who drives to themselves accomplish things to step back and truly relax.  I can't thank my wife enough for being patient with me and encouraging me along the way.  Weekends are much more enjoyable and our times together much more special.  So if you drive by the house and the yard is a little long or the leaves aren't picked up this fall, it is because I am spending as much time with my girls as I can even if it means things aren't as complete as they have been in the past.

I continue to challenge myself to reflect on what truly matters and what does not in my life.  My legacy in life won't be what I have accomplished or how much I have made, it will hopefully be the relationships I have built with my daughters and my wife with an abundance of memories to show for it.  So today reflect on what matters and more importantly what doesn't matter in your life and how you can shed that from your day and create a more meaningful life with your family.

Cutting the Cord

Yes we did it! We finally cut the cable cord a few months ago and have been loving it ever since!

 

 

Sarah and I had been talking on and on for the past year or so about cutting the cord and ditching our cable service.  At the time, we had been using AT&T Uverse for quite a few years and really had no complaints on the service other than the price.  When you added up the cost of our internet and TV service, we were paying roughly $150 a month for the two.  That adds up to an annual cost of $1800 or $18,000 over 10 years for simple internet and TV services.  Yeah let that sink in for just a minute! The crazy part of all this is the fact that we really don't watch that much TV.  In fact, we spend most of our TV watching using Neftlix to watch some of their great shows like House of Cards or Friends.

 

 

What was stopping us from ditching cable?

 

Well the main reason we never could ditch cable rested solely with me!  Guys, you will understand this point......I couldn't give up my ESPN!!!!  As crazy as it sounds, that is simply where the debate stopped every time we had this discussion.  While I may not watch a lot of TV during the week, I am a huge college football fan and the thought of not being able to watch games on ESPN in the fall always prevented me from taking the plunge.  College football is the one sport where I don't care who is playing, I am always interested in watching the games.  I knew I would not enjoy Saturdays in the fall as much without having this option to watch games on ESPN.  So inevibitaly every time we discussed cutting cable, we would never take the next step due to this reason.

 

 

Along comes Sling TV!!!

 

This past January I kept hearing about a new TV service called Sling TV that was being launched by DISH Network.  Sling would be along the lines of Apple TV providing a steaming TV service as an alternative to regular cable at a cost of only $20 a month.  The most attractive part of Sling was that it was going to include both ESPN and ESPN2 as a part of the package!!!  I began investigating to find that Sling would include these channels as part of a 12 channel lineup that also includes the likes of TNT, TBS, AMC, and HGTV to name a few.  This had me really excited and thinking it had to be to good to be true. 

 

How does it work???

 

Sling works through your internet connects and can be run on a computer or tablet, but most users would want to run it through a streaming device of some kind.  Sling works with Amazon Fire, Roku, or Xbox.  We chose to purchase a Roku after a test run on our computer to see if we liked Sling to begin with at the start.  Sling then works as an App on your Roku device that you select and then choose the channel to stream for your watching pleasure.  The Roku can work through a wired connection with your Ethernet or a wireless connection to a remote location in your home.

 

Pros

• The Channels-great selection of major networks for only 12 channels
• Cost-Can't beat only $20 a month for cable
• Ability to add other service like Hulu, Netflix, etc...through the Roku
• Easy to set up and use immediately

Cons

• Limited channel selection-No NFL Network, Big Ten, etc...
• No local channels-we purchased a HD antenna for our main TV in the house
• Wireless streaming can be spotty depending on placement in your house
• Initial purchases of Roku for each TV, antenna

Overall Review

 

If you are looking to finally cut the cord, this is definitely the way to go.  You get a good selection of channels and most importantly for guys access to ESPN and ESPN2.  We have been using the service since February and have loved the service and do not miss cable or the bill at all!!  All told Sarah and I spent roughly $180 in start up costs to get Sling running in our house for a Roku for each of the three TVs and the HD antenna.  We also switched our internet over to Comcast as they had the better price for a higher streaming internet speed However, our monthly costs for TV and internet are now $80 after taxes vs. the $150 we were paying before.  This saves us $70 a month which equates to a savings of $840 a year.  If we took that money and invested it at a 7% earnings rate, we will have a little over $12,000 in ten years!  I can definitely do without a few cable changes for those kind of savings!

As The World Turns-Just so Happens It is Really Fast

1000 Miles Per Hour-That is how fast the world actually spins on its axis.  It was also the title of my mother's favorite soap opera show when I was a child.  Finally, it is also about how fast I feel these past few months have gone since my last post.  I hate that it has been that long as I really enjoy writing this blog for as much as I hope it helps others out there, it has been very beneficial for both myself and my family.

What Have We Been Up To Lately?
Well since my last post we welcomed two beautiful girls into our lives on April 24th.  Liliana Margaret and Madelyn Rose were brought into this world by their beautiful mother about 15 minutes apart.  They have been a complete blessing to our lives and we constantly amazed at how lucky we are to have these little blessings.  Thus these girls are also the reason I have not been able to write as much as I would have love to recently.  I would love to attempt to write about their daily lives and progress, but you would be much better reading Sarah's blog about our girls to find out about that.  You can find her blog at http://sarahhession6.blogspot.com/ for all the latest updates on our girls.  Let's just say from my standpoint we have been really busy!! My hope is to have new blogs in the near future reflecting on the first few months of our lives with the girls from a dad's point of view and their are too many experiences to sum up in this one blog.

New Career Opportunity
Shortly between bringing Maddie (Madelyn) home from the NICU and traveling back and forth to see Lily (Liliana), I received a call from my superintendent asking to meet with me one day while I was home with the girls.  I was caught a little off guard by the request and I think Sarah's comment was, "You aren't going to get fired are you?"  Well no I didn't get fired, in fact I was offered a new exciting opportunity to become the next Director of Finance of the school corporation.  This was a position I had always dreamed of moving into one day, I just never thought it would happen this soon.  After some discussion between Sarah and I over the new expectations and job requirements, I accepted the position and moved into the role on July 1st.  It has been a crazy transition, but one that I have enjoyed and look forward to continuing.

What's Next?
My hope is to pick back up with my writing and sharing of being a dad of multiples and the challenges that it brings.  We knew we would go through some stressful times, but to be honest in many ways what we thought would be our biggest challenges have not been as much and others have been much more challenging than we ever could have thought.  However, it is through these ups and downs that I hope to share what we have learned and continue to learn as we walk through this path of life.

To Know or Not to Know....That is the Question!

Lately there has been a battle raging in the Gardner household between Sarah and I.  Ok maybe a little dramatic with that statement. We have gone back and forth the past couple of weeks trying to come to a decision or agreement. Each day one of swings back or forth on the issue hoping to find some common ground or a compromise.  What can't Sarah and I agree on is.....whether or not to find out the gender of the twins. 

When we first found out we were having twins, Sarah and I were both in a general agreement to find out the gender of the twins.  We felt with all of the craziness we would have going on in our lives trying to prepare for their arrival, it would be beneficial to know this ahead of time.  Recently however Sarah moved 180 degrees on me and has stated she does not want to find out the sex of the babies and instead wishes to wait until the birth.  While I was definitely shocked at this, I think the person most taken aback was Sarah's Aunt Kater.  When Sarah mentioned this to her, she was worried she wouldn't be able to buy the proper clothes for the twins!!  Let's just say Aunt Kater likes to shop!  It has brought up an interesting debate between Sarah and I about what we eventually decide.



There are pros and cons with both finding out or waiting until the birth.  I think from my side of the issue the pros were the ability to control at least something in this craziness of our new adventure.  In finding out the gender of the twins, we would be get a number of things in line for their arrival.  We would be able to prepare their nursery to each twin and have it ready for their arrival.  We would be able to speak with friends who may have clothes to match the genders of the twins to potentially save money.  We would have time to decipher the names of the twins especially if we ended up with two boys or two girls.  All of this could be done ahead of time, without everything else around us going at 100 mph.



Sarah has expressed the desire to keep things more private.  Where I tend to be more open with these things, she has a desire to keep them private between us.  Neither way is right or wrong, it is simply our own personalities we bring to the relationship.  The biggest con would be to lose the special surprise of the moment we find out what they are in the delivery room.  My worry here was to wonder if we would have that moment for just the two of us.  If we found out now, I know we would have that moment alone with the doctor and a chance to share the news as we liked.  If either of our mothers are in the delivery room, do we lose that special moment for just the two of us? 



Sarah and I continue to banter back and forth about this in a loving way, just thankful we have this opportunity.  However, it would be interesting to hear some of your thoughts.  Did you find out about the gender of the baby or not and why.  I would also be especially interested in those of you who had twins.  Otherwise we might end up with the compromise of finding out now only what one of the two of the babies are and that could get a little interesting!

Has It Hit You Yet? Part 1

I often get this question a lot from people wondering if it has set in that Sarah and I are having twins.  Each time I hear that question, I find myself asking it over and over again to myself.  The reality of things is no not really.  I mean I keep looking for the moment like Ross had with Marcel in "Friends" where Marcel grabs Ross's finger and he realizes he will be a good dad.

Well, I just haven't had that moment.  Despite all of the wonderful moments that have occurred so far, I still find myself waiting for that moment when it really sinks in that we are having twins.  I am sure at some point it will come to me and will hit me like a ton of bricks.  Honestly, I can't wait for that moment to happen.  There is so much excitement building inside of me about the arrival of our twins in May, that I long for this moment to occur.  There is no fear about twins or worry about being a good parent, it is simply wanting that aha moment.  Part of the reason is that is still very early in Sarah's pregnancy and she is just beginning to have baby bump show.  Other than that, our lives have continued like normal for the most part.  I know all of this will change soon and the realization of twin will hit me.  Until then, I continue to enjoy all the moments we share and the wonderful support we are shown each day.  Sarah recently told me in response to me sharing I haven't had that moment of realization with, "Just wait til Spring Break when we are mini van shopping and putting two car seats in the back!  Then it will hit you!"  I laughed and realized at some point it will hit me and I can't wait for that moment.  Part two to be continued....

Should I be Worried?

This past weekend was one of the most joyful days of my life as we were able to spread the word of our wonderful news.  Double Trouble.  It was a simply perfect weekend telling our friends how we were expecting twins in May and being able to share this wonderful moment with them.  It was one of the most special days of our lives. The next morning Sarah and I sat quietly together as we relived the night before and all of the wonderful moments and experiences from the evening.  It was during this time that I experienced a flashback to an similar moment from just a few months ago. 
 
It was only a short time ago that we sat there together in the living room at our old house trying to decide if we should put an offer out on a new house in Speedway.  We were both nervous on if this was the right decision considering we were not pregnant and our last IUI had failed. Ton of Bricks.  In the end, we made the leap of faith in what started a miraculous chain of events in our lives that has put us where we are today.  So in this moment, we found ourselves wondering if we should post our news about the twins out for the public to see.  The worry was.....what if something goes wrong?  We had been down that tough path before and gone through the pain of a miscarriage.  This experience unfortunately always haunts you through the pregnancy with every twist and turn after having such difficulty conceiving. What didn't help was the fact that Sarah had been to the doctor a couple of times in the last week with some issues.  Fortunately the last visit to the doctor found the twins dancing around on the ultrasound almost mocking us with "haha we got you!!!"  So there we sat wondering if we should make the news public with this fear still there in the back of our heads.  You see this is one of the lingering effects of infertility.  You do you best to stay as positive as possible, however in those moments of uncertainty or when issues arise you find yourself in an awareness of the past hopeful it does not return.

In the end we jumped with blind faith that everything will be ok and will work out for Baby A and Baby as they are now called, or Amy and Bob according to Sarah's dad.  We continue to hope and pray for their continued well being and hope that all will be well come May.  The excitement of each day and the changes with Sarah and the babies continue to help provide us with joy.  We enjoyed reading each Sunday about how big the babies are now and at the same time continue to plan for their arrival!!  Yes there is still a small part about me that worries, but in the end both Sarah and I continue to have faith above all else.

Double Trouble!

Well, it is official.......we recently received the amazing news that Sarah is pregnant and due in May!!  The even more amazing and somewhat scary part of the news is that we are expecting TWINS!!! 

Needless to say, Sarah and I are both very excited and feel very blessed!  When you look back at where we started with This is How You Have a Baby?, we feel very lucky to finally have this wonderful news.  There have been many ups and downs on this roller coaster and these babies have already put us through a few of them in the first couple of months.  Recently Sarah said that is because they are acting like their father and will continue to be a pain in the you know what!

We have been blessed by the many kind words of support from so many of you and we appreciate all the love you have shown.  We are by no means out of the woods yet and every little hiccup has us worried about what might happen.  Sarah and I continue to strive to stay positive and trust that things will work out.  All of the struggles truly show us what a miracle having a child is for so many people.

However, at the same time I write this exciting news with a touch of hesitation.  You see we still have friends and loved ones who have not received this blessing and continue to battle infertility.  Sarah and I have known that feeling to see friends posting about their wonderful news and the feelings it created for her and I.  We truly know that feeling of a Ton of Bricks coming down upon you.  For those of you reading this who have struggled with infertility like us or even those who have fought the battle much longer, we have you in our thoughts and prayers.

In the meantime, we are reading up on all the books about twins that we can and trying to wrap our heads around two babies at once!  We will definitely be in for some double trouble come this May!

Five Steps to Dealing with Infertility

Recently I sat down at my computer and asked Google for sites that discussed “Dealing with Infertility.”  If my first two selections were any indication of the advice out there, I worry for those looking for help!  I do not claim to be an expert in the field of infertility, nor do I feel that my views are the only way to deal with the issues associated with infertility.  However after reading through a few articles online written by so called “experts” on the subject, I feel that none of them are written from the heart or the depths of a soul dealing with infertility.  So I sat down and wrote what I feel have been the top five steps that have helped Sarah and I along our journey with infertility.

1.      Communicate

Early in our journey I thought my job as the husband was to be the rock for the two of us.  What I learned quickly was that I was leaving Sarah more isolated than ever as she often felt she was the only one struggling through things.  My “being the rock” and lack of expressing my concerns actually hurt more than it helped.  Since that time I have learned to share my struggles with Sarah as she does with me.  We have learned to lean on each other making the tough days a little easier having each other there for one another.

2.      Get out of the house

Often times in the weeks leading up to the IUI process or especially in the two weeks after, you find your mind consumed with worry.  Worry about the unknown and what may happen often leads to sitting around feeling sorry for yourself of not living the life you should.  You must battle to get out of the house and continue to actively work to take your mind off of the questions that linger.  Go out and have fun and enjoy one another. One of the best two weeks Sarah and I went through were the days after an IUI that we traveled to Chicago.  We spent four days with friends enjoying the Windy City. During that trip our thoughts never once went to the worry of if the IUI was going to work that month or not.  Instead our minds and hearts were filled with the wonderful times of Chicago in the summer and it gave us a chance to refresh and renew our lives.  Five Things Worth Your Money in Chicago

3.      Pray

We feel fortunate for the number of you out there that have expressed your prayers for us in this process.  We continue to pray and to ask God for strength in our journey that he will one day reveal his plan for us.  At a recent Mass, the priest spoke about facing our fears in our lives.  He spoke of Peter walking on water to Jesus from the boat and how it was only when he allowed himself to take his mind off of Jesus and instead to his worry about the winds that he began to sink.  When we keep our mind and our faith on Jesus, we are able to live life without fear of the unknown.  It is only when we allow our mind to wonder from our faith that we allow our fears to instead run our lives.  Keep fast in prayer.

4.      Know that you are not alone

I know that for many people and for Sarah and me, early in the journey we felt like we were alone in our struggles and that many people out there did not know what we were going through each day.  As we have begun to share our journey and our struggles, we have had a constant flood of messages and expressions of support from those of you out there who have been through a similar journey.  There is not a week that has gone by in the past month that I have not had someone send a message of their story or stop me and offer their experience and let us know they are there if we ever need to talk.  If you are reading this blog, you hopefully know that you are not alone in your struggles.  I for one can speak to the loving community of support that is out there for those dealing with infertility.  This loving community has help provide Sarah and I with a wonderful support network during these trying times.

5.      Show and express your love for one another

The last tip that I can give is to show your love and support for your spouse during your journey.  We do not know what God’s plan is for us yet and whether or not that includes children of our own.  What I do know is that I have an amazing and wonderful wife that is there by my side throughout all of this.  These times can be trying and put stress on your marriage.  It is important to remember to continue to express your love for your spouse as these are the days and times you both need it the most.

 

Infertility if different for each couple and can have its own unique challenges and difficulties.  It is important not to forget steps like these to help you along your journey.  I feel that the past month has given me a new direction in life from God.  As I have written this blog, I have heard how many of you have been through or are going through a similar journey.  You have said how knowing someone else is growing through this has helped you start a new conversation with your spouse or look at things a little differently.  So for now I am continuing to take God’s challenge for me to be an advocate of those dealing with infertility.  What does that mean?  For now, I do not know God’s full plan.  What I do know is that I feel him pushing me to continue to tell of our struggles and joys for others to see and I ask you to help me spread this message.  Please help me spread the message by sharing my blog with others that you know.  God has a plan for Sarah and I and we are going to do our best to show our faith in his word.

Ton of Bricks

The message hit me like a ton of bricks.  As I read it over and over again, my stomach continued to tighten and my heart sink.  I knew our day to take the pregnancy test was on Wednesday, but this was Monday and the message from my wife read, “I just started spotting and think I’m going to lose it.”  I knew exactly was “it” was, it was the dream of the child that wasn’t meant to be in our lives.  This was something that we never held, touched, or even came close to being a part of our family and yet here was the flood of grief coming over me.  Then in that difficult moment, was what in the world do I say back to my wife?  I tried to be funny and positive, saying that the spotting was being caused by our son being a little SOB and burrowing in for the long haul.  She chuckled that I said it was a son, truth is I couldn’t call a potential daughter a SOB….that would have just been plain wrong!  After a few messages back and forth about what was happening, the words that truly hit me like freight train was the next message from my wife, “I want to hide in a dark room and cry.”  It was at that moment that the feeling of complete helplessness came over me as I sat there quietly.  It didn’t matter that my wife was at work, even if she was next to me I am not sure I would know what to say.  I didn’t know how to help her or make the pain go away.

That has probably been the most difficult part of the past couple of years, those moments when I feel completely helpless in solving the problems my wife is having.  You must understand, that is me, I am a problem solver.  It is what I do every day at work and pride myself in being able to accomplish, and yet here I was unable able to do anything that would help ease the pain for my wife.

Pain, Frustration, Hurt, Anger, Sadness, Helplessness, Disgrace

These are just some of the words to describe the feelings that came over me during those first few hours after that initial message.  I found myself unable to do much of anything at that point except sit there and wonder what had gone wrong and what was not working for Sarah and me.  Shortly thereafter, Sarah made it home from work and the eerie silence between us and the tension that was hanging over us like a dark cloud.  What do you say in these moments? How do you start to talk about the one thing you don’t even want to remember?  The thing that you want to block out of your mind like a bad dream! We slowly and gingerly worked our way into talking to each other, though neither one of us was mad at each other you just don’t know what to say.  After some tears and difficult words, we began the process of grieving together about our lost opportunity.  I wish I could put into words the thoughts and feelings that I was having at that time, but when it comes to matters of the heart this deep there are no words that can come close to describing what you are feeling.  There is no metaphor, no story, and no examples of the way you feel when you miss out on the loss of having a child.  People understand grieving with death, understand grieving with a miscarriage, but most do not understand the pain people go through in the shadows of infertility.  It is hidden in the shadows because it is tough to talk to people about something that never was.  They can’t connect with the process you went through just to get to that moment when you find out if you get the opportunity to be a parent or you don’t.  I wish I had a way to help make this easier for anyone going through it or even someone trying to understand it from the outside. Unfortunately I don’t.  I hope that through this blog and writing about our struggles it will help others out there understand the shadows of infertility.  The moments in private that most sane people can’t or won’t put other there for others.

So what now?  Where do we go from here?  Well, last night we started trying to move forward in our journey.  We sat on our couch and had a couple of drinks while watching our new favorite show on Netflix “House of Cards.”  Each day will get better and we will remain resilient in our quest to have a child of our own.  As far as our next step at the doctor, that remains to be seen.  We have contemplated taking a month off.  A month away from the rigid and forced schedule of trying to conceive and allow ourselves to regroup and refresh.  Regardless, we remain steadfast and strong in our lives and most importantly our relationship with one another.  In the end through all the ups and downs and difficulties of this journey, what Sarah and I always cling to as our rock in the storm is one another.  The love we have for each other is what saves us and what helps us grow closer together. 

At the end of the night on Monday when going to bed, I fell fast asleep and slept wonderfully.  Why? How? Simple, I was lying there next to my best friend and love of my life.  With her, I can make it through anything and I am pretty sure she feels the same about me.

 

Prayers and Privacy

 

A couple of weeks ago, I gathered up the courage to write a blog about the fertility issues Sarah and I have had over the last year and a half.  The post about Sarah and I going through the IUI process was on my mind and emotionally something I was working through at the time.  Little did I realize in the moment was that in two weeks we would know whether Sarah and I were pregnant.  What I REALLY didn’t think of was that by posting my blog, now EVERYONE would know in two weeks if Sarah was expecting.  Luckily my wife loves me very much!!!

Sarah and I have spent some time this past week reflecting on many things and one of them was whether or not to post what we find out on Wednesday.  At this time we are asking for your prayers and our privacy as we will not post about the results this week.  Either way, there will be a flood of emotion in our home that day and those emotions are something we need to share privately for a while.

We appreciate all of the support that everyone has shown over the past couple of weeks.  I will continue to write about our journey and some of the things we have faced the last 18 months, and then hopefully in a few weeks we will be sharing some of the best news of all.

Thank you to everyone!

Two Weeks Notice

On Monday of this week, I woke up feeling tired and bloated and I began to wonder if maybe this was the month.....and then Sarah reminded me that we had been in Chicago all weekend and all of the eating and running around was why I was feeling tired and bloated.  I relaxed a little bit and went about my week and getting back into routine of the school year starting for me.  Then Wednesday morning I woke up and my chest was really sore and I just knew it looked bigger from the day before.  I went to Sarah with my concerns starting to believe that now I had another sign that this could be it.......and then Sarah reminded me that yesterday I had done some bench presses and worked out a little too much and that is why my chest was sore and bigger.  I sighed and walked away dejected that my theory had some holes in it and tried to move on.  Finally on Friday afternoon I greeted Sarah at the door as she walked in from work with foolproof evidence that this was finally the month!  The last two days I had craved chocolate, Diet Coke, and that I was always hungry and snacking.  Sarah shook her head and did her best to let me down easy as she reminded me I had been at my Leadership Retreat with other administrators and the place we stayed had an open snack bar for everyone.  She convinced me not to take a pregnancy test and that all was fine and we should simply wait until the doctor told us to take a pregnancy test.  I realized she was probably right and agreed with her, but still made sure to sneak away and hide some pregnancy tests for later when she wouldn't know.

Some of you may or not get the paragraph above if you have never lived through it.  I know I didn't understand it when it first started happening and even today I am not sure I am fully aware of the Two Weeks of Notice. Every month you live through these Two Weeks of Notice where the potential to get pregnant ebbs and flows.  What I have found as I study for my Masters in Fertility I guess is that there is a very specific timeframe to conceive a baby and to find out if you have conceived.  Within these two weeks are days packed with raw emotion and constant overthinking of every feeling or intuition.  Over the last year and a half, there have been many weeks like above for Sarah and I (though the roles are reversed and not as dramatic as I make them seem.)  Each month has had its own different flavor for each of us and the way we interpret and try to rationalize our feelings and expectations.  It is hard to manage these expectations that you carry with you about getting pregnant, applying for a new job, or trying to buy a new house.  Then there are those fun months when all of those are wrapped together into one!  Here is what I have learned about expectations over this last year and a half:

1. They are very real and sometimes very raw
2. They can play tricks on your mind if you are not careful
3. They can eat away at you if you do not communicate about them

We have gone into months with high expectations only to come crashing down, we have gone into months with low expectations only to be proven right.  We have tried to approach each month in just about every which shape or form in a fight to keep our sanity along the way.  The toughest part for me during this time is that the parody above is something my wife lives with each month and actually FEELS with her body.  I can only bring my hopes and expectations, she is the one who not only has those but also can tell when her body is feeling different.  At first, I didn't do so well with being a supportive spouse even though I thought I was.  I took the manly route of being strong and being the shoulder to lean on for Sarah.  However, what I didn't realize was that Sarah felt alone when I did that and needed me to be there with her in those very raw and difficult emotions.  Guys in general are not good at sharing their feelings or dealing with emotions in general.  What I thought I was doing right was being the guy that she lean on and to be her rock.  What I didn't know was that she needed to know that she wasn't crazy in feeling the waves of emotions that would come and go each month.  Sarah needed to know that I was struggling too and the most difficult part for me was being ok with not being able to have all the answers or solve all the problems.  During this time, we have also learned to communicate better about our feelings and struggles during these awkward weeks that you wait to take that exciting but frightful test.  When you deal with such deep, raw emotions such as these, it can be a bumpy ride at times.  Your mind has you analyzing every moment and situation and at the same time you are trying to live a normal everyday life.  These Two Weeks of Notice have forced Sarah and I to learn how to communicate better and help be the buoy in these raging waters that the other can hang on to during those difficult moments.

So you may ask, how are we approaching this week and our expectations?  Well I think what we have found is that we while we try not to get too excited about whether or not this is the month, we are hopeful and optimistic that this is the time.  We continue to rely on our faith that in the end this will work out for the best and our prayers will be answered.

As for those inevitable expectations that can play tricks on your mind,....I would rather be excited and hopeful than having low expectations or thinking this is not our time.  We are in round 15 of this heavyweight fight and we have been knocked down a few times, but we are hanging on the ropes and battling hoping that we have our "Rocky" moment and come out victorious.  I might even have to scream out Adrian!!!!!!!