Ton of Bricks

The message hit me like a ton of bricks.  As I read it over and over again, my stomach continued to tighten and my heart sink.  I knew our day to take the pregnancy test was on Wednesday, but this was Monday and the message from my wife read, “I just started spotting and think I’m going to lose it.”  I knew exactly was “it” was, it was the dream of the child that wasn’t meant to be in our lives.  This was something that we never held, touched, or even came close to being a part of our family and yet here was the flood of grief coming over me.  Then in that difficult moment, was what in the world do I say back to my wife?  I tried to be funny and positive, saying that the spotting was being caused by our son being a little SOB and burrowing in for the long haul.  She chuckled that I said it was a son, truth is I couldn’t call a potential daughter a SOB….that would have just been plain wrong!  After a few messages back and forth about what was happening, the words that truly hit me like freight train was the next message from my wife, “I want to hide in a dark room and cry.”  It was at that moment that the feeling of complete helplessness came over me as I sat there quietly.  It didn’t matter that my wife was at work, even if she was next to me I am not sure I would know what to say.  I didn’t know how to help her or make the pain go away.

That has probably been the most difficult part of the past couple of years, those moments when I feel completely helpless in solving the problems my wife is having.  You must understand, that is me, I am a problem solver.  It is what I do every day at work and pride myself in being able to accomplish, and yet here I was unable able to do anything that would help ease the pain for my wife.

Pain, Frustration, Hurt, Anger, Sadness, Helplessness, Disgrace

These are just some of the words to describe the feelings that came over me during those first few hours after that initial message.  I found myself unable to do much of anything at that point except sit there and wonder what had gone wrong and what was not working for Sarah and me.  Shortly thereafter, Sarah made it home from work and the eerie silence between us and the tension that was hanging over us like a dark cloud.  What do you say in these moments? How do you start to talk about the one thing you don’t even want to remember?  The thing that you want to block out of your mind like a bad dream! We slowly and gingerly worked our way into talking to each other, though neither one of us was mad at each other you just don’t know what to say.  After some tears and difficult words, we began the process of grieving together about our lost opportunity.  I wish I could put into words the thoughts and feelings that I was having at that time, but when it comes to matters of the heart this deep there are no words that can come close to describing what you are feeling.  There is no metaphor, no story, and no examples of the way you feel when you miss out on the loss of having a child.  People understand grieving with death, understand grieving with a miscarriage, but most do not understand the pain people go through in the shadows of infertility.  It is hidden in the shadows because it is tough to talk to people about something that never was.  They can’t connect with the process you went through just to get to that moment when you find out if you get the opportunity to be a parent or you don’t.  I wish I had a way to help make this easier for anyone going through it or even someone trying to understand it from the outside. Unfortunately I don’t.  I hope that through this blog and writing about our struggles it will help others out there understand the shadows of infertility.  The moments in private that most sane people can’t or won’t put other there for others.

So what now?  Where do we go from here?  Well, last night we started trying to move forward in our journey.  We sat on our couch and had a couple of drinks while watching our new favorite show on Netflix “House of Cards.”  Each day will get better and we will remain resilient in our quest to have a child of our own.  As far as our next step at the doctor, that remains to be seen.  We have contemplated taking a month off.  A month away from the rigid and forced schedule of trying to conceive and allow ourselves to regroup and refresh.  Regardless, we remain steadfast and strong in our lives and most importantly our relationship with one another.  In the end through all the ups and downs and difficulties of this journey, what Sarah and I always cling to as our rock in the storm is one another.  The love we have for each other is what saves us and what helps us grow closer together. 

At the end of the night on Monday when going to bed, I fell fast asleep and slept wonderfully.  Why? How? Simple, I was lying there next to my best friend and love of my life.  With her, I can make it through anything and I am pretty sure she feels the same about me.