Things in Life that Don't Really Matter

This week I was in charge of the opening reflective question for our leadership group at work.  I spent the weekend in search of something meaningful and more in-depth than a simple, "What was the most exciting part of your weekend?"  Yeah....I am not sure I will be allowed to ask the opening question on a Monday morning again!!  In my search, I came across an article by All Pro Dad entitled, "10 Things in Life That Don't Really Matter."  The author talked about different things in life that we often give undue importance to in our lives that when we step back and reflect on them, don't really matter in the grand scheme of things.  This sent my mind into reflective mode of what have I given credence to in my life that needed to go down a few rungs in the ladder of importance.

For those of you that don't know me well, I am a bit of a planner.....I can already hear my wife chuckling.  Yes I am that person who lays out their clothes a week in advance of a trip to make sure we don't forget anything.  My wife on the other hand, packs 30 minutes before we leave!!!  Talk about two different perspectives!! Haha!  Sarah always challenges that I can't relax or sit still and simply enjoy things because I am always trying to get ahead of the game and get things done.  My weekends were spent worrying about the laundry or getting the yard mowed just to make sure they were done and check them off the list.  My weekends were driven on what we needed to get done and then and only then could I begin to enjoy each day. However, with the help of my wife that has begun to change with the arrival of my two beautiful daughters.

 

 



I truly believe that values are not truly values until they have been tested.  Myself personally always prided my life on being family first and being there for my girls.  That was tested when it came time on weekends to complete the tasks of the day and get things prepared as my mind had been conditioned to do for so long, or truly spend the time with my girls.  Now I find myself not worrying so much about the yard or the laundry as Sarah and I divide and conquer the tasks together.  We also focus on completing these things as much as we can when the girls are napping.  We try more and more to worry about the precious time we have with the girls more so than how the house looks or what we have ready to go for the week.  It has given us many more experiences such as walks like these:

This has been no small step for me personally as a person who drives to themselves accomplish things to step back and truly relax.  I can't thank my wife enough for being patient with me and encouraging me along the way.  Weekends are much more enjoyable and our times together much more special.  So if you drive by the house and the yard is a little long or the leaves aren't picked up this fall, it is because I am spending as much time with my girls as I can even if it means things aren't as complete as they have been in the past.

I continue to challenge myself to reflect on what truly matters and what does not in my life.  My legacy in life won't be what I have accomplished or how much I have made, it will hopefully be the relationships I have built with my daughters and my wife with an abundance of memories to show for it.  So today reflect on what matters and more importantly what doesn't matter in your life and how you can shed that from your day and create a more meaningful life with your family.

To Know or Not to Know....That is the Question!

Lately there has been a battle raging in the Gardner household between Sarah and I.  Ok maybe a little dramatic with that statement. We have gone back and forth the past couple of weeks trying to come to a decision or agreement. Each day one of swings back or forth on the issue hoping to find some common ground or a compromise.  What can't Sarah and I agree on is.....whether or not to find out the gender of the twins. 

When we first found out we were having twins, Sarah and I were both in a general agreement to find out the gender of the twins.  We felt with all of the craziness we would have going on in our lives trying to prepare for their arrival, it would be beneficial to know this ahead of time.  Recently however Sarah moved 180 degrees on me and has stated she does not want to find out the sex of the babies and instead wishes to wait until the birth.  While I was definitely shocked at this, I think the person most taken aback was Sarah's Aunt Kater.  When Sarah mentioned this to her, she was worried she wouldn't be able to buy the proper clothes for the twins!!  Let's just say Aunt Kater likes to shop!  It has brought up an interesting debate between Sarah and I about what we eventually decide.



There are pros and cons with both finding out or waiting until the birth.  I think from my side of the issue the pros were the ability to control at least something in this craziness of our new adventure.  In finding out the gender of the twins, we would be get a number of things in line for their arrival.  We would be able to prepare their nursery to each twin and have it ready for their arrival.  We would be able to speak with friends who may have clothes to match the genders of the twins to potentially save money.  We would have time to decipher the names of the twins especially if we ended up with two boys or two girls.  All of this could be done ahead of time, without everything else around us going at 100 mph.



Sarah has expressed the desire to keep things more private.  Where I tend to be more open with these things, she has a desire to keep them private between us.  Neither way is right or wrong, it is simply our own personalities we bring to the relationship.  The biggest con would be to lose the special surprise of the moment we find out what they are in the delivery room.  My worry here was to wonder if we would have that moment for just the two of us.  If we found out now, I know we would have that moment alone with the doctor and a chance to share the news as we liked.  If either of our mothers are in the delivery room, do we lose that special moment for just the two of us? 



Sarah and I continue to banter back and forth about this in a loving way, just thankful we have this opportunity.  However, it would be interesting to hear some of your thoughts.  Did you find out about the gender of the baby or not and why.  I would also be especially interested in those of you who had twins.  Otherwise we might end up with the compromise of finding out now only what one of the two of the babies are and that could get a little interesting!

Should I be Worried?

This past weekend was one of the most joyful days of my life as we were able to spread the word of our wonderful news.  Double Trouble.  It was a simply perfect weekend telling our friends how we were expecting twins in May and being able to share this wonderful moment with them.  It was one of the most special days of our lives. The next morning Sarah and I sat quietly together as we relived the night before and all of the wonderful moments and experiences from the evening.  It was during this time that I experienced a flashback to an similar moment from just a few months ago. 
 
It was only a short time ago that we sat there together in the living room at our old house trying to decide if we should put an offer out on a new house in Speedway.  We were both nervous on if this was the right decision considering we were not pregnant and our last IUI had failed. Ton of Bricks.  In the end, we made the leap of faith in what started a miraculous chain of events in our lives that has put us where we are today.  So in this moment, we found ourselves wondering if we should post our news about the twins out for the public to see.  The worry was.....what if something goes wrong?  We had been down that tough path before and gone through the pain of a miscarriage.  This experience unfortunately always haunts you through the pregnancy with every twist and turn after having such difficulty conceiving. What didn't help was the fact that Sarah had been to the doctor a couple of times in the last week with some issues.  Fortunately the last visit to the doctor found the twins dancing around on the ultrasound almost mocking us with "haha we got you!!!"  So there we sat wondering if we should make the news public with this fear still there in the back of our heads.  You see this is one of the lingering effects of infertility.  You do you best to stay as positive as possible, however in those moments of uncertainty or when issues arise you find yourself in an awareness of the past hopeful it does not return.

In the end we jumped with blind faith that everything will be ok and will work out for Baby A and Baby as they are now called, or Amy and Bob according to Sarah's dad.  We continue to hope and pray for their continued well being and hope that all will be well come May.  The excitement of each day and the changes with Sarah and the babies continue to help provide us with joy.  We enjoyed reading each Sunday about how big the babies are now and at the same time continue to plan for their arrival!!  Yes there is still a small part about me that worries, but in the end both Sarah and I continue to have faith above all else.

Double Trouble!

Well, it is official.......we recently received the amazing news that Sarah is pregnant and due in May!!  The even more amazing and somewhat scary part of the news is that we are expecting TWINS!!! 

Needless to say, Sarah and I are both very excited and feel very blessed!  When you look back at where we started with This is How You Have a Baby?, we feel very lucky to finally have this wonderful news.  There have been many ups and downs on this roller coaster and these babies have already put us through a few of them in the first couple of months.  Recently Sarah said that is because they are acting like their father and will continue to be a pain in the you know what!

We have been blessed by the many kind words of support from so many of you and we appreciate all the love you have shown.  We are by no means out of the woods yet and every little hiccup has us worried about what might happen.  Sarah and I continue to strive to stay positive and trust that things will work out.  All of the struggles truly show us what a miracle having a child is for so many people.

However, at the same time I write this exciting news with a touch of hesitation.  You see we still have friends and loved ones who have not received this blessing and continue to battle infertility.  Sarah and I have known that feeling to see friends posting about their wonderful news and the feelings it created for her and I.  We truly know that feeling of a Ton of Bricks coming down upon you.  For those of you reading this who have struggled with infertility like us or even those who have fought the battle much longer, we have you in our thoughts and prayers.

In the meantime, we are reading up on all the books about twins that we can and trying to wrap our heads around two babies at once!  We will definitely be in for some double trouble come this May!

Five Steps to Dealing with Infertility

Recently I sat down at my computer and asked Google for sites that discussed “Dealing with Infertility.”  If my first two selections were any indication of the advice out there, I worry for those looking for help!  I do not claim to be an expert in the field of infertility, nor do I feel that my views are the only way to deal with the issues associated with infertility.  However after reading through a few articles online written by so called “experts” on the subject, I feel that none of them are written from the heart or the depths of a soul dealing with infertility.  So I sat down and wrote what I feel have been the top five steps that have helped Sarah and I along our journey with infertility.

1.      Communicate

Early in our journey I thought my job as the husband was to be the rock for the two of us.  What I learned quickly was that I was leaving Sarah more isolated than ever as she often felt she was the only one struggling through things.  My “being the rock” and lack of expressing my concerns actually hurt more than it helped.  Since that time I have learned to share my struggles with Sarah as she does with me.  We have learned to lean on each other making the tough days a little easier having each other there for one another.

2.      Get out of the house

Often times in the weeks leading up to the IUI process or especially in the two weeks after, you find your mind consumed with worry.  Worry about the unknown and what may happen often leads to sitting around feeling sorry for yourself of not living the life you should.  You must battle to get out of the house and continue to actively work to take your mind off of the questions that linger.  Go out and have fun and enjoy one another. One of the best two weeks Sarah and I went through were the days after an IUI that we traveled to Chicago.  We spent four days with friends enjoying the Windy City. During that trip our thoughts never once went to the worry of if the IUI was going to work that month or not.  Instead our minds and hearts were filled with the wonderful times of Chicago in the summer and it gave us a chance to refresh and renew our lives.  Five Things Worth Your Money in Chicago

3.      Pray

We feel fortunate for the number of you out there that have expressed your prayers for us in this process.  We continue to pray and to ask God for strength in our journey that he will one day reveal his plan for us.  At a recent Mass, the priest spoke about facing our fears in our lives.  He spoke of Peter walking on water to Jesus from the boat and how it was only when he allowed himself to take his mind off of Jesus and instead to his worry about the winds that he began to sink.  When we keep our mind and our faith on Jesus, we are able to live life without fear of the unknown.  It is only when we allow our mind to wonder from our faith that we allow our fears to instead run our lives.  Keep fast in prayer.

4.      Know that you are not alone

I know that for many people and for Sarah and me, early in the journey we felt like we were alone in our struggles and that many people out there did not know what we were going through each day.  As we have begun to share our journey and our struggles, we have had a constant flood of messages and expressions of support from those of you out there who have been through a similar journey.  There is not a week that has gone by in the past month that I have not had someone send a message of their story or stop me and offer their experience and let us know they are there if we ever need to talk.  If you are reading this blog, you hopefully know that you are not alone in your struggles.  I for one can speak to the loving community of support that is out there for those dealing with infertility.  This loving community has help provide Sarah and I with a wonderful support network during these trying times.

5.      Show and express your love for one another

The last tip that I can give is to show your love and support for your spouse during your journey.  We do not know what God’s plan is for us yet and whether or not that includes children of our own.  What I do know is that I have an amazing and wonderful wife that is there by my side throughout all of this.  These times can be trying and put stress on your marriage.  It is important to remember to continue to express your love for your spouse as these are the days and times you both need it the most.

 

Infertility if different for each couple and can have its own unique challenges and difficulties.  It is important not to forget steps like these to help you along your journey.  I feel that the past month has given me a new direction in life from God.  As I have written this blog, I have heard how many of you have been through or are going through a similar journey.  You have said how knowing someone else is growing through this has helped you start a new conversation with your spouse or look at things a little differently.  So for now I am continuing to take God’s challenge for me to be an advocate of those dealing with infertility.  What does that mean?  For now, I do not know God’s full plan.  What I do know is that I feel him pushing me to continue to tell of our struggles and joys for others to see and I ask you to help me spread this message.  Please help me spread the message by sharing my blog with others that you know.  God has a plan for Sarah and I and we are going to do our best to show our faith in his word.

My Amazing Mother!

Yesterday we spent the day with my mother celebrating her 75^th birthday which happens to be this coming Thursday.  We spent a wonderful day watching my niece and nephew play soccer before heading out for dinner together later that evening.  It was that night at dinner that we began asking my mother about her life growing up and some of the experiences she has had over the past 75 years.  During the dinner it amazed me at the differences our potential children would see in their lives versus the experiences that my mother had growing up in a small town in southeastern Indiana. 

My mother grew up just outside of Milan, Indiana on a small farm that my grandfather ran to help support the family.  Life back in these days was just different in many ways.  The family farm was not the family farm that I see when I visit Sarah’s family farm.  My mother’s was a 60 acre farm in which everything raised was for subsistence.  The crops they grew, the chickens they raised, and the pigs they took care of were all done to support the family.  My mother grew up helping on the farm with chores such as milking the cows, not making sure the computer was turned off before going to bed.  The most amazing fact for me last night was the revelation that my mother’s first house on the farm was a log house!  It had two main rooms downstairs, with two bedrooms upstairs all supported by a wood burning stove in the winter. In fact the first time that mother had indoor plumbing was when she went off to Ball State Teachers College.  The farm did not get indoor plumbing until she was a junior in college. 

Before heading off to college, my mother attended tiny Milan High School where she graduated Valedictorian of her Senior Class.  However, the major event in high school for my mother was during her freshman year at Milan in which the mighty Milan Indians won the 1954 Indiana State Basketball Championship.  Yes, this is the same famed team that inspired the movie “Hoosiers” in 1986 that we have all come to know.  My mother was a freshman at Milan that year and attended all of the basketball games including the State Championship game at then Butler Fieldhouse.  When the movie “Hoosiers” came out, I was able to hear the real life stories from a firsthand account. 

After her time at Milan, my mother went off to Ball State Teachers College where she worked to earn her teaching degree in Home Economics.  It was rare at that time for students from Milan to head off to college and my mother was the first in her family to go to college.  When we asked my mom last night about this, she said it was the basketball coach at Milan at the time that offered to take three students up for a visit.  It was then and there that my mom decided to head up to Muncie later that fall.

I could go on and on about my mother (yes I know I am biased) as she went on to take on many challenges after college, but that is for a later post.  Today has me reflecting on the experiences my mother had as a child and what life might be like for our children.  Today electronics and conveniences rule the day in our lives as we find ways to do things more efficiently and electronic devices to keep our attention.  As I walked through the house today and saw the three different televisions we had and I chuckle as my mother told the story of their first TV.  Her mother won the TV in a contest as they could not afford one themselves.  It was a small black and white TV that they set on the piano as they had no TV stand for it and all of the neighbors would come sit in the living room to watch TV together.  She laughed as she described the stiff necks people would get from sitting on the floor looking up at the TV!

 I want my children to know about these experiences that my mother went through and to help them appreciate the strong woman she is and has been in our lives.  My mother grew up in a different time where work around the house was required of everyone and playing games on iPhone was not around.  If nothing else, last night made me appreciate my mother even more listening to the way she grew up and the experiences she had in her life.  I feel so thankful to have her a part of our lives and can’t wait for her to be able to tell our children about working on the farm and growing up walking outside to use the restroom!