Things in Life that Don't Really Matter

This week I was in charge of the opening reflective question for our leadership group at work.  I spent the weekend in search of something meaningful and more in-depth than a simple, "What was the most exciting part of your weekend?"  Yeah....I am not sure I will be allowed to ask the opening question on a Monday morning again!!  In my search, I came across an article by All Pro Dad entitled, "10 Things in Life That Don't Really Matter."  The author talked about different things in life that we often give undue importance to in our lives that when we step back and reflect on them, don't really matter in the grand scheme of things.  This sent my mind into reflective mode of what have I given credence to in my life that needed to go down a few rungs in the ladder of importance.

For those of you that don't know me well, I am a bit of a planner.....I can already hear my wife chuckling.  Yes I am that person who lays out their clothes a week in advance of a trip to make sure we don't forget anything.  My wife on the other hand, packs 30 minutes before we leave!!!  Talk about two different perspectives!! Haha!  Sarah always challenges that I can't relax or sit still and simply enjoy things because I am always trying to get ahead of the game and get things done.  My weekends were spent worrying about the laundry or getting the yard mowed just to make sure they were done and check them off the list.  My weekends were driven on what we needed to get done and then and only then could I begin to enjoy each day. However, with the help of my wife that has begun to change with the arrival of my two beautiful daughters.

 

 



I truly believe that values are not truly values until they have been tested.  Myself personally always prided my life on being family first and being there for my girls.  That was tested when it came time on weekends to complete the tasks of the day and get things prepared as my mind had been conditioned to do for so long, or truly spend the time with my girls.  Now I find myself not worrying so much about the yard or the laundry as Sarah and I divide and conquer the tasks together.  We also focus on completing these things as much as we can when the girls are napping.  We try more and more to worry about the precious time we have with the girls more so than how the house looks or what we have ready to go for the week.  It has given us many more experiences such as walks like these:

This has been no small step for me personally as a person who drives to themselves accomplish things to step back and truly relax.  I can't thank my wife enough for being patient with me and encouraging me along the way.  Weekends are much more enjoyable and our times together much more special.  So if you drive by the house and the yard is a little long or the leaves aren't picked up this fall, it is because I am spending as much time with my girls as I can even if it means things aren't as complete as they have been in the past.

I continue to challenge myself to reflect on what truly matters and what does not in my life.  My legacy in life won't be what I have accomplished or how much I have made, it will hopefully be the relationships I have built with my daughters and my wife with an abundance of memories to show for it.  So today reflect on what matters and more importantly what doesn't matter in your life and how you can shed that from your day and create a more meaningful life with your family.

To Know or Not to Know....That is the Question!

Lately there has been a battle raging in the Gardner household between Sarah and I.  Ok maybe a little dramatic with that statement. We have gone back and forth the past couple of weeks trying to come to a decision or agreement. Each day one of swings back or forth on the issue hoping to find some common ground or a compromise.  What can't Sarah and I agree on is.....whether or not to find out the gender of the twins. 

When we first found out we were having twins, Sarah and I were both in a general agreement to find out the gender of the twins.  We felt with all of the craziness we would have going on in our lives trying to prepare for their arrival, it would be beneficial to know this ahead of time.  Recently however Sarah moved 180 degrees on me and has stated she does not want to find out the sex of the babies and instead wishes to wait until the birth.  While I was definitely shocked at this, I think the person most taken aback was Sarah's Aunt Kater.  When Sarah mentioned this to her, she was worried she wouldn't be able to buy the proper clothes for the twins!!  Let's just say Aunt Kater likes to shop!  It has brought up an interesting debate between Sarah and I about what we eventually decide.



There are pros and cons with both finding out or waiting until the birth.  I think from my side of the issue the pros were the ability to control at least something in this craziness of our new adventure.  In finding out the gender of the twins, we would be get a number of things in line for their arrival.  We would be able to prepare their nursery to each twin and have it ready for their arrival.  We would be able to speak with friends who may have clothes to match the genders of the twins to potentially save money.  We would have time to decipher the names of the twins especially if we ended up with two boys or two girls.  All of this could be done ahead of time, without everything else around us going at 100 mph.



Sarah has expressed the desire to keep things more private.  Where I tend to be more open with these things, she has a desire to keep them private between us.  Neither way is right or wrong, it is simply our own personalities we bring to the relationship.  The biggest con would be to lose the special surprise of the moment we find out what they are in the delivery room.  My worry here was to wonder if we would have that moment for just the two of us.  If we found out now, I know we would have that moment alone with the doctor and a chance to share the news as we liked.  If either of our mothers are in the delivery room, do we lose that special moment for just the two of us? 



Sarah and I continue to banter back and forth about this in a loving way, just thankful we have this opportunity.  However, it would be interesting to hear some of your thoughts.  Did you find out about the gender of the baby or not and why.  I would also be especially interested in those of you who had twins.  Otherwise we might end up with the compromise of finding out now only what one of the two of the babies are and that could get a little interesting!

Double Trouble!

Well, it is official.......we recently received the amazing news that Sarah is pregnant and due in May!!  The even more amazing and somewhat scary part of the news is that we are expecting TWINS!!! 

Needless to say, Sarah and I are both very excited and feel very blessed!  When you look back at where we started with This is How You Have a Baby?, we feel very lucky to finally have this wonderful news.  There have been many ups and downs on this roller coaster and these babies have already put us through a few of them in the first couple of months.  Recently Sarah said that is because they are acting like their father and will continue to be a pain in the you know what!

We have been blessed by the many kind words of support from so many of you and we appreciate all the love you have shown.  We are by no means out of the woods yet and every little hiccup has us worried about what might happen.  Sarah and I continue to strive to stay positive and trust that things will work out.  All of the struggles truly show us what a miracle having a child is for so many people.

However, at the same time I write this exciting news with a touch of hesitation.  You see we still have friends and loved ones who have not received this blessing and continue to battle infertility.  Sarah and I have known that feeling to see friends posting about their wonderful news and the feelings it created for her and I.  We truly know that feeling of a Ton of Bricks coming down upon you.  For those of you reading this who have struggled with infertility like us or even those who have fought the battle much longer, we have you in our thoughts and prayers.

In the meantime, we are reading up on all the books about twins that we can and trying to wrap our heads around two babies at once!  We will definitely be in for some double trouble come this May!

Five Steps to Dealing with Infertility

Recently I sat down at my computer and asked Google for sites that discussed “Dealing with Infertility.”  If my first two selections were any indication of the advice out there, I worry for those looking for help!  I do not claim to be an expert in the field of infertility, nor do I feel that my views are the only way to deal with the issues associated with infertility.  However after reading through a few articles online written by so called “experts” on the subject, I feel that none of them are written from the heart or the depths of a soul dealing with infertility.  So I sat down and wrote what I feel have been the top five steps that have helped Sarah and I along our journey with infertility.

1.      Communicate

Early in our journey I thought my job as the husband was to be the rock for the two of us.  What I learned quickly was that I was leaving Sarah more isolated than ever as she often felt she was the only one struggling through things.  My “being the rock” and lack of expressing my concerns actually hurt more than it helped.  Since that time I have learned to share my struggles with Sarah as she does with me.  We have learned to lean on each other making the tough days a little easier having each other there for one another.

2.      Get out of the house

Often times in the weeks leading up to the IUI process or especially in the two weeks after, you find your mind consumed with worry.  Worry about the unknown and what may happen often leads to sitting around feeling sorry for yourself of not living the life you should.  You must battle to get out of the house and continue to actively work to take your mind off of the questions that linger.  Go out and have fun and enjoy one another. One of the best two weeks Sarah and I went through were the days after an IUI that we traveled to Chicago.  We spent four days with friends enjoying the Windy City. During that trip our thoughts never once went to the worry of if the IUI was going to work that month or not.  Instead our minds and hearts were filled with the wonderful times of Chicago in the summer and it gave us a chance to refresh and renew our lives.  Five Things Worth Your Money in Chicago

3.      Pray

We feel fortunate for the number of you out there that have expressed your prayers for us in this process.  We continue to pray and to ask God for strength in our journey that he will one day reveal his plan for us.  At a recent Mass, the priest spoke about facing our fears in our lives.  He spoke of Peter walking on water to Jesus from the boat and how it was only when he allowed himself to take his mind off of Jesus and instead to his worry about the winds that he began to sink.  When we keep our mind and our faith on Jesus, we are able to live life without fear of the unknown.  It is only when we allow our mind to wonder from our faith that we allow our fears to instead run our lives.  Keep fast in prayer.

4.      Know that you are not alone

I know that for many people and for Sarah and me, early in the journey we felt like we were alone in our struggles and that many people out there did not know what we were going through each day.  As we have begun to share our journey and our struggles, we have had a constant flood of messages and expressions of support from those of you out there who have been through a similar journey.  There is not a week that has gone by in the past month that I have not had someone send a message of their story or stop me and offer their experience and let us know they are there if we ever need to talk.  If you are reading this blog, you hopefully know that you are not alone in your struggles.  I for one can speak to the loving community of support that is out there for those dealing with infertility.  This loving community has help provide Sarah and I with a wonderful support network during these trying times.

5.      Show and express your love for one another

The last tip that I can give is to show your love and support for your spouse during your journey.  We do not know what God’s plan is for us yet and whether or not that includes children of our own.  What I do know is that I have an amazing and wonderful wife that is there by my side throughout all of this.  These times can be trying and put stress on your marriage.  It is important to remember to continue to express your love for your spouse as these are the days and times you both need it the most.

 

Infertility if different for each couple and can have its own unique challenges and difficulties.  It is important not to forget steps like these to help you along your journey.  I feel that the past month has given me a new direction in life from God.  As I have written this blog, I have heard how many of you have been through or are going through a similar journey.  You have said how knowing someone else is growing through this has helped you start a new conversation with your spouse or look at things a little differently.  So for now I am continuing to take God’s challenge for me to be an advocate of those dealing with infertility.  What does that mean?  For now, I do not know God’s full plan.  What I do know is that I feel him pushing me to continue to tell of our struggles and joys for others to see and I ask you to help me spread this message.  Please help me spread the message by sharing my blog with others that you know.  God has a plan for Sarah and I and we are going to do our best to show our faith in his word.

We were on a break!!!

For many of you like me, this classic line probably evokes memories or visions of Ross Gellar screaming “We Were on a Break!!!!”  The classic scene where Rachel and Ross split up due to Ross hooking up with the copy girl while he thought he and Rachel were on a break.  For Sarah and I, fortunately there is no copy girl and our break is one that is MUCH DIFFERENT from Ross and Rachel.  Many of you read last month in my blog about our attempt with and IUI, “This is how you have baby?” that described our attempt with the IUI process in an effort to have a baby.  After much thought and discussion, this month we decided to take a break in those efforts after the IUI did not work out again for us and we began to feel the effects of this long process and the toll they were taking on our lives.  The pain truly hit like a “Ton of Bricks” for the two of us and we needed some time to reflect on what we had been through and how we would move forward.

Shortly after the failed IUI attempt last month, Sarah and I decided to take a break from the process and to try and get away from it for a while.  We were completely drained emotionally and also somewhat physically from the past year of trying.  The doctor visits, the detailed monthly schedules, and failed results had eroded away at our strength to continue.  We had spent the past six months visiting doctors and discussing our issues, which was followed up with the past three months of a scheduled life of events.  The month would begin with Sarah on medication to help her ovulate, a trip to the doctor to check her follicles, and then followed by the IUI process.  The week surrounding the IUI process you are told when you should and when you should not be trying to make a baby to help promote the process.  While I am sure there will be many jokes about me complaining about this, try having a baby making schedule set by your doctor for six months and you will see the frustrations begin to build. 

We felt stuck in a rut and bound by limitations that were not making us feel at our best.  So we decided to step back this month, relax, and try to enjoy life and each other.  We wanted to be free of the schedule and the limitations we felt the fertility process was placing on our lives.  It has been a wonderful feeling for both of us.  We have gotten back to focusing on our diets and exercise.  We have spent more time relaxed together not worried about when our next appointment is or where we are in the process.  We have talked very little about our next move or the whole process until the past few days.  It has given us a bit of a vacation from what became a job for us over the past few months.  We still do not know our next step in our journey, only that we have set a doctor’s appointment in a couple of weeks to explore our options.  We know if the next IUI does not work our chances for an IUI ever working decrease dramatically.  For now though, that is not our worry.  We are sitting back relaxing and enjoying the days and times together and soaking as much in as we can.

This break has helped me realize the importance of vacations or breaks in our lives.  Everyone needs that time to step back and relax.  The time to reflect on the simple things in life that we enjoy and to refresh our bodies and minds.  Sarah and I have a vacation planned for this October when we are heading down to Fort Myers Beach.  You can bet that I will be stepping back and relaxing a bit more.


We will see where life takes us after this break and our visit with the doctor here in a couple weeks.  We have discussed doing one more IUI in September and if that does not work taking a longer break at that point.  If the IUI does not work, the next potential step could be IVF for Sarah and I.  There are many questions we have about that process both financially and internally if that is the next move for us.  The idea is the longer break would give us some time to save up for that option if we move down that path.  Our journey still continues and our path is still unknown so for now we are resting up and gathering our strength to move forward towards God's plan for our future.

Staying Positive

After a few weeks of writing this blog, each time I find myself battling how to convey a positive outlook in my writing.  It is inevitable that writing about infertility and its difficulties  reveals the tough moments in life that you would have never imagined.  Many times the thoughts lead to doubts or grief and the daily battle to overcome these emotions.  The pain is real and the negativity is there as Sarah and I work each day through our faith and our love for each other to rise above the hurt and disparaging thoughts that can consume you if you let them.


So how do we battle this on a daily basis?  How do we remain positive despite all the potential negativity that surrounds us?  We work at it together!  You see my worry (and I tend to over analyze things to much, just ask my wife) is that we come across as spiteful or negative about the issues we are going through when that is the opposite of the truth.  While we obviously have our struggles and tough moments, Sarah and I live each day as positively as we can and feel very blessed for what we have versus what we do not have in our lives.  Take for one our dog Smokey who blesses each of our days and help fill the void in our family.  He is has a personality all his own and has made it clear by the picture below his distaste for a potential new baby brother or sister!

What this blog is about for me is facing my fears head on and not hiding from them in the shadows. I have recently been reading a wonderful book by the witty author Jon Acuff titled Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average & Do Work That Matters.  In the book the author discusses the voices that you hear in the back of your head on the daily basis.  These voices are different than what many would describe as your "conscious."  Your conscious is the little devil or angel sitting on your shoulder telling you right from wrong.  The voices that Jon describes so eloquently are the ones that bring fear and doubt into your mind.  We all have them and hear them on a daily basis...."Am I good enough?", "Does my body look fit enough?", "Why would anyone read my blog?"  These voices put fear into our hearts and minds that prevent us from in the author's words living and "Awesome" life.  They prevent us from living life to the fullest or reaching our potential, not because we are not good enough but because the voice inside our head questions us from even trying or starting something great.  It was those voices that made me question why I would even start writing or blog or putting it out for others to read.  It was while I was reading this book that I decided to fight back at my voices and live my life without fear and publish my blog.  Three weeks into blogging, I have had over 5,000 visits to my site and an average viewing of each blog of over 600 people.  Wow!  I never would have dreamed that would be the case and absolutely would have never known had I listened to the voices of doubt in my head.


Thus that is the reason for this blog.  The blog is not for you, my family, or most days even my wife though it does benefit our relationship together.  This blog is for me to attack my fears and worries in life and to live an AWESOME life!  Jon Acuff in his book tells readers to write down the voices they hear each day of fear and doubt.  It is the first step in working to address you fears and that is what this blog has done for me.  It has allowed me to write down my fears and put them out there for others to see.  This blog holds me accountable for living through my fears and not behind them.  It has opened up many messages back and forth with old friends, helped build a support network for Sarah and I, and most importantly helped to strengthen the relationship between the two of us.  No one says you have to write your fears out in a blog for all to see, but today start writing down those voices of doubt in your head.  Do this everyday for a week and see what voices are holding you back.  It is the first step in attacking your fears and starting on a path to a more fulfilling and awesome life!


Everyday I wake up excited about what is in store and thankful for the many wonderful blessings that I have in my life.  Whatever God has planned for Sarah and I, I cannot wait to see and make it as AWESOME as I can!!