Five Steps to Dealing with Infertility

Recently I sat down at my computer and asked Google for sites that discussed “Dealing with Infertility.”  If my first two selections were any indication of the advice out there, I worry for those looking for help!  I do not claim to be an expert in the field of infertility, nor do I feel that my views are the only way to deal with the issues associated with infertility.  However after reading through a few articles online written by so called “experts” on the subject, I feel that none of them are written from the heart or the depths of a soul dealing with infertility.  So I sat down and wrote what I feel have been the top five steps that have helped Sarah and I along our journey with infertility.

1.      Communicate

Early in our journey I thought my job as the husband was to be the rock for the two of us.  What I learned quickly was that I was leaving Sarah more isolated than ever as she often felt she was the only one struggling through things.  My “being the rock” and lack of expressing my concerns actually hurt more than it helped.  Since that time I have learned to share my struggles with Sarah as she does with me.  We have learned to lean on each other making the tough days a little easier having each other there for one another.

2.      Get out of the house

Often times in the weeks leading up to the IUI process or especially in the two weeks after, you find your mind consumed with worry.  Worry about the unknown and what may happen often leads to sitting around feeling sorry for yourself of not living the life you should.  You must battle to get out of the house and continue to actively work to take your mind off of the questions that linger.  Go out and have fun and enjoy one another. One of the best two weeks Sarah and I went through were the days after an IUI that we traveled to Chicago.  We spent four days with friends enjoying the Windy City. During that trip our thoughts never once went to the worry of if the IUI was going to work that month or not.  Instead our minds and hearts were filled with the wonderful times of Chicago in the summer and it gave us a chance to refresh and renew our lives.  Five Things Worth Your Money in Chicago

3.      Pray

We feel fortunate for the number of you out there that have expressed your prayers for us in this process.  We continue to pray and to ask God for strength in our journey that he will one day reveal his plan for us.  At a recent Mass, the priest spoke about facing our fears in our lives.  He spoke of Peter walking on water to Jesus from the boat and how it was only when he allowed himself to take his mind off of Jesus and instead to his worry about the winds that he began to sink.  When we keep our mind and our faith on Jesus, we are able to live life without fear of the unknown.  It is only when we allow our mind to wonder from our faith that we allow our fears to instead run our lives.  Keep fast in prayer.

4.      Know that you are not alone

I know that for many people and for Sarah and me, early in the journey we felt like we were alone in our struggles and that many people out there did not know what we were going through each day.  As we have begun to share our journey and our struggles, we have had a constant flood of messages and expressions of support from those of you out there who have been through a similar journey.  There is not a week that has gone by in the past month that I have not had someone send a message of their story or stop me and offer their experience and let us know they are there if we ever need to talk.  If you are reading this blog, you hopefully know that you are not alone in your struggles.  I for one can speak to the loving community of support that is out there for those dealing with infertility.  This loving community has help provide Sarah and I with a wonderful support network during these trying times.

5.      Show and express your love for one another

The last tip that I can give is to show your love and support for your spouse during your journey.  We do not know what God’s plan is for us yet and whether or not that includes children of our own.  What I do know is that I have an amazing and wonderful wife that is there by my side throughout all of this.  These times can be trying and put stress on your marriage.  It is important to remember to continue to express your love for your spouse as these are the days and times you both need it the most.

 

Infertility if different for each couple and can have its own unique challenges and difficulties.  It is important not to forget steps like these to help you along your journey.  I feel that the past month has given me a new direction in life from God.  As I have written this blog, I have heard how many of you have been through or are going through a similar journey.  You have said how knowing someone else is growing through this has helped you start a new conversation with your spouse or look at things a little differently.  So for now I am continuing to take God’s challenge for me to be an advocate of those dealing with infertility.  What does that mean?  For now, I do not know God’s full plan.  What I do know is that I feel him pushing me to continue to tell of our struggles and joys for others to see and I ask you to help me spread this message.  Please help me spread the message by sharing my blog with others that you know.  God has a plan for Sarah and I and we are going to do our best to show our faith in his word.

My Amazing Mother!

Yesterday we spent the day with my mother celebrating her 75^th birthday which happens to be this coming Thursday.  We spent a wonderful day watching my niece and nephew play soccer before heading out for dinner together later that evening.  It was that night at dinner that we began asking my mother about her life growing up and some of the experiences she has had over the past 75 years.  During the dinner it amazed me at the differences our potential children would see in their lives versus the experiences that my mother had growing up in a small town in southeastern Indiana. 

My mother grew up just outside of Milan, Indiana on a small farm that my grandfather ran to help support the family.  Life back in these days was just different in many ways.  The family farm was not the family farm that I see when I visit Sarah’s family farm.  My mother’s was a 60 acre farm in which everything raised was for subsistence.  The crops they grew, the chickens they raised, and the pigs they took care of were all done to support the family.  My mother grew up helping on the farm with chores such as milking the cows, not making sure the computer was turned off before going to bed.  The most amazing fact for me last night was the revelation that my mother’s first house on the farm was a log house!  It had two main rooms downstairs, with two bedrooms upstairs all supported by a wood burning stove in the winter. In fact the first time that mother had indoor plumbing was when she went off to Ball State Teachers College.  The farm did not get indoor plumbing until she was a junior in college. 

Before heading off to college, my mother attended tiny Milan High School where she graduated Valedictorian of her Senior Class.  However, the major event in high school for my mother was during her freshman year at Milan in which the mighty Milan Indians won the 1954 Indiana State Basketball Championship.  Yes, this is the same famed team that inspired the movie “Hoosiers” in 1986 that we have all come to know.  My mother was a freshman at Milan that year and attended all of the basketball games including the State Championship game at then Butler Fieldhouse.  When the movie “Hoosiers” came out, I was able to hear the real life stories from a firsthand account. 

After her time at Milan, my mother went off to Ball State Teachers College where she worked to earn her teaching degree in Home Economics.  It was rare at that time for students from Milan to head off to college and my mother was the first in her family to go to college.  When we asked my mom last night about this, she said it was the basketball coach at Milan at the time that offered to take three students up for a visit.  It was then and there that my mom decided to head up to Muncie later that fall.

I could go on and on about my mother (yes I know I am biased) as she went on to take on many challenges after college, but that is for a later post.  Today has me reflecting on the experiences my mother had as a child and what life might be like for our children.  Today electronics and conveniences rule the day in our lives as we find ways to do things more efficiently and electronic devices to keep our attention.  As I walked through the house today and saw the three different televisions we had and I chuckle as my mother told the story of their first TV.  Her mother won the TV in a contest as they could not afford one themselves.  It was a small black and white TV that they set on the piano as they had no TV stand for it and all of the neighbors would come sit in the living room to watch TV together.  She laughed as she described the stiff necks people would get from sitting on the floor looking up at the TV!

 I want my children to know about these experiences that my mother went through and to help them appreciate the strong woman she is and has been in our lives.  My mother grew up in a different time where work around the house was required of everyone and playing games on iPhone was not around.  If nothing else, last night made me appreciate my mother even more listening to the way she grew up and the experiences she had in her life.  I feel so thankful to have her a part of our lives and can’t wait for her to be able to tell our children about working on the farm and growing up walking outside to use the restroom!

We were on a break!!!

For many of you like me, this classic line probably evokes memories or visions of Ross Gellar screaming “We Were on a Break!!!!”  The classic scene where Rachel and Ross split up due to Ross hooking up with the copy girl while he thought he and Rachel were on a break.  For Sarah and I, fortunately there is no copy girl and our break is one that is MUCH DIFFERENT from Ross and Rachel.  Many of you read last month in my blog about our attempt with and IUI, “This is how you have baby?” that described our attempt with the IUI process in an effort to have a baby.  After much thought and discussion, this month we decided to take a break in those efforts after the IUI did not work out again for us and we began to feel the effects of this long process and the toll they were taking on our lives.  The pain truly hit like a “Ton of Bricks” for the two of us and we needed some time to reflect on what we had been through and how we would move forward.

Shortly after the failed IUI attempt last month, Sarah and I decided to take a break from the process and to try and get away from it for a while.  We were completely drained emotionally and also somewhat physically from the past year of trying.  The doctor visits, the detailed monthly schedules, and failed results had eroded away at our strength to continue.  We had spent the past six months visiting doctors and discussing our issues, which was followed up with the past three months of a scheduled life of events.  The month would begin with Sarah on medication to help her ovulate, a trip to the doctor to check her follicles, and then followed by the IUI process.  The week surrounding the IUI process you are told when you should and when you should not be trying to make a baby to help promote the process.  While I am sure there will be many jokes about me complaining about this, try having a baby making schedule set by your doctor for six months and you will see the frustrations begin to build. 

We felt stuck in a rut and bound by limitations that were not making us feel at our best.  So we decided to step back this month, relax, and try to enjoy life and each other.  We wanted to be free of the schedule and the limitations we felt the fertility process was placing on our lives.  It has been a wonderful feeling for both of us.  We have gotten back to focusing on our diets and exercise.  We have spent more time relaxed together not worried about when our next appointment is or where we are in the process.  We have talked very little about our next move or the whole process until the past few days.  It has given us a bit of a vacation from what became a job for us over the past few months.  We still do not know our next step in our journey, only that we have set a doctor’s appointment in a couple of weeks to explore our options.  We know if the next IUI does not work our chances for an IUI ever working decrease dramatically.  For now though, that is not our worry.  We are sitting back relaxing and enjoying the days and times together and soaking as much in as we can.

This break has helped me realize the importance of vacations or breaks in our lives.  Everyone needs that time to step back and relax.  The time to reflect on the simple things in life that we enjoy and to refresh our bodies and minds.  Sarah and I have a vacation planned for this October when we are heading down to Fort Myers Beach.  You can bet that I will be stepping back and relaxing a bit more.


We will see where life takes us after this break and our visit with the doctor here in a couple weeks.  We have discussed doing one more IUI in September and if that does not work taking a longer break at that point.  If the IUI does not work, the next potential step could be IVF for Sarah and I.  There are many questions we have about that process both financially and internally if that is the next move for us.  The idea is the longer break would give us some time to save up for that option if we move down that path.  Our journey still continues and our path is still unknown so for now we are resting up and gathering our strength to move forward towards God's plan for our future.

Staying Positive

After a few weeks of writing this blog, each time I find myself battling how to convey a positive outlook in my writing.  It is inevitable that writing about infertility and its difficulties  reveals the tough moments in life that you would have never imagined.  Many times the thoughts lead to doubts or grief and the daily battle to overcome these emotions.  The pain is real and the negativity is there as Sarah and I work each day through our faith and our love for each other to rise above the hurt and disparaging thoughts that can consume you if you let them.


So how do we battle this on a daily basis?  How do we remain positive despite all the potential negativity that surrounds us?  We work at it together!  You see my worry (and I tend to over analyze things to much, just ask my wife) is that we come across as spiteful or negative about the issues we are going through when that is the opposite of the truth.  While we obviously have our struggles and tough moments, Sarah and I live each day as positively as we can and feel very blessed for what we have versus what we do not have in our lives.  Take for one our dog Smokey who blesses each of our days and help fill the void in our family.  He is has a personality all his own and has made it clear by the picture below his distaste for a potential new baby brother or sister!

What this blog is about for me is facing my fears head on and not hiding from them in the shadows. I have recently been reading a wonderful book by the witty author Jon Acuff titled Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average & Do Work That Matters.  In the book the author discusses the voices that you hear in the back of your head on the daily basis.  These voices are different than what many would describe as your "conscious."  Your conscious is the little devil or angel sitting on your shoulder telling you right from wrong.  The voices that Jon describes so eloquently are the ones that bring fear and doubt into your mind.  We all have them and hear them on a daily basis...."Am I good enough?", "Does my body look fit enough?", "Why would anyone read my blog?"  These voices put fear into our hearts and minds that prevent us from in the author's words living and "Awesome" life.  They prevent us from living life to the fullest or reaching our potential, not because we are not good enough but because the voice inside our head questions us from even trying or starting something great.  It was those voices that made me question why I would even start writing or blog or putting it out for others to read.  It was while I was reading this book that I decided to fight back at my voices and live my life without fear and publish my blog.  Three weeks into blogging, I have had over 5,000 visits to my site and an average viewing of each blog of over 600 people.  Wow!  I never would have dreamed that would be the case and absolutely would have never known had I listened to the voices of doubt in my head.


Thus that is the reason for this blog.  The blog is not for you, my family, or most days even my wife though it does benefit our relationship together.  This blog is for me to attack my fears and worries in life and to live an AWESOME life!  Jon Acuff in his book tells readers to write down the voices they hear each day of fear and doubt.  It is the first step in working to address you fears and that is what this blog has done for me.  It has allowed me to write down my fears and put them out there for others to see.  This blog holds me accountable for living through my fears and not behind them.  It has opened up many messages back and forth with old friends, helped build a support network for Sarah and I, and most importantly helped to strengthen the relationship between the two of us.  No one says you have to write your fears out in a blog for all to see, but today start writing down those voices of doubt in your head.  Do this everyday for a week and see what voices are holding you back.  It is the first step in attacking your fears and starting on a path to a more fulfilling and awesome life!


Everyday I wake up excited about what is in store and thankful for the many wonderful blessings that I have in my life.  Whatever God has planned for Sarah and I, I cannot wait to see and make it as AWESOME as I can!!